Her name is Linda

I completely forgot my hair appointment. That was not a happy day. I book 6 weeks out just to get a coveted spot with my friend, Tracy. After the month I have had the gray was even worse than normal. So when Tracy called to see if something was wrong I fell apart. How could I get the wrong day? How could I forgot something so important that had been scheduled for 6 weeks. Today I walk in to get my nails done. I go at the wrong time. Not a problem it is later in the day at least. But I fall apart. This is my first free Saturday baring few exceptions in 4 years I have not gone to my mother's to run her errands, eat lunch or shop. Saturdays have always been my day to spend with my mom but after my father died it became essential. Today, I woke up and realized I had nothing to do. Yes, I had plenty to do but no one to take care of, to eat lunch with, to spend my time caring for and being cared by. I pulled the covers up. Being a former grief counselor I know this is all normal, the sensitivity to sound, last night I couldn't stay in the room while the tv blared out the Thunder game and had to go sit in a dark room with the tv down low. I work with little people who are loud sometimes and at times this week it has been like fingers shrieking across a black board slowly. I know that is normal. I know it is normal to forget things and be confused like when you automatically drive to your mom's on a Wednesday after teaching at UCO because that is what you have done every Wednesday for 4 years, like forgetting to pay the AT&T bill, or going back to check did I really put the garage door down? I know it is normal to lack motivation, the pile of to do papers for my mom's trust continues to grow, I would rather sit and stare off in space while Bart thinks I am watching Duck Dynasty with him. I know the exhaustion of falling asleep last night at 8pm and not waking up til 8am but still feeling completely worn out is normal. I know the nights when I can't fall asleep at all because the last moments of my mom's life keep flashing through my weary brain and keeps me from the bliss of oblivion which comes with rest. I know all this but when I went into the Avon store today and saw my mom's powder and reached for the phone to call to see if she needed any I fell apart. I miss my momma. I drove home in silence with huge crocodile tears streaming down my face over powder. When I reached Bart's side my silent cries turned to heaves. I have held the emotions, the feelings at bay while I returned to work and what appeared to be normalcy. But today the reality comes storming towards me, I have no sweet momma to care for, to love, to hold and have her hold me gently on those days when life is just too hard. And so I cried. I cried for myself. My son calls and I change my voice so he can't hear the hurt and sorrow in my hollow voice. But when the call ends it comes tumbling back. Wallowing in my self pity and grief I try to find solace in helping others. I ask Bart to take me to Wal Greens to buy cereal for Jacob's Cupboard which is on sale. I saw an ad for Captain Crunch and knew the small children would like that much better than plain Cheerios. So I dried the tears and wiped off the mascara which smeared my face and didn't even care if I had lipstick on because the pain was too much. I stood with Bart looking at candy bars to buy for our fund raiser at school when I heard a man scream, "Some one help." I raced out of the aisle and saw a man holding the cashier up by her arm screaming and no one moving. I ran behind the counter and eased her gently down while another kind soul jumped over the counter to help. She recognized the woman and began calling her daughter, another woman called 911 as I grabbed for the woman's wrist using her other limp arm with a watch to count the beats. Her skin was so clammy and so cold. Her pulse was erratic and her body lay still. People were shouting and trying to get help but all I could see was somebody's mother laying there lifeless, not moving and cold. I began patting her cheeks and screaming for her to stay with me. To breathe and hang on. She came around and mumbled, "What happened?" but just as quickly her eyes rolling back and struggling to breathe I felt like I was losing her. The one lady to my side screamed into the phone reaching her daughter and telling her to come quick, the other lady on the other side of the counter telling 911 to hurry she was bad. She began to make choking sounds so I pushed her head back and her mouth open trying desperately to remember my CPR training, frantically trying to find a pulse and a breath. I began to see a faint movement in her neck and a slight rising in her chest. I again began shouting at her to hang on her daughter was on the way. At last the medics arrived, as I began to rattle off statistics, heart rate 80 erratic, skin clammy and cold, slightly responsive at first, not diabetic, no pain, lost consciousness 1 1/2 minutes ago they brushed us aside and began their battle to save this woman's life. Her daughter rushed in we updated her and then stood back to pray. I walked over to my husband and said, "God sure has a way of putting things in perspective." Here I was crying over a mother who had lived a full life and so ready to be with Jesus and here lay a woman fighting for her life and a daughter shaking and questioning why? We all have our battles, our fears and our losses. We never know what lies ahead one moment before us. We never know when we are going to walk in a store looking for cereal on sale that doesn't start until tomorrow and be faced with life changing moments. My prayer today is not for myself but for this daughter and this woman. Linda. Her name is Linda. Pray.

Forgiveness

God is so faithful and I love when I get to witness His plans in actions. As you know my mother passed away last Thursday and my aunt passed away on Saturday. Yesterday we had graveside services for my aunt in McAlester where she was from. It was a very sweet service and then our entire family went to Giacomo's to eat. There was salad, rolls, spaghetti, ravioli, meatballs, steaks and lamb fries. Yes, lamb fries where the youngest of the family were introduced to this delicacy with mixed reaction. This was a favorite place of my families to eat and it seemed fitting we go there for lunch. As everyone hugged and promised to keep in touch we begin to go our separate ways. Not wanting to return home where reality lives and loss is constantly there my husband and I decided to stay overnight and go to First Baptist Stringtown where a friend is the pastor, Joey Lansdale. We called him around 9pm to make sure he would be preaching and to let him know we would be there. We have been there twice before once for me to speak about Jacob's death and Choosing Joy. Both times God was there and working mightily in this small church in Stringtown OK. As we entered the church we were greeted first by one then another as word got around that someone new was there. Soon Joey showed up and after big bear hugs he said he was so glad we were there and he had an idea. He went on to explain his sermon today was about the Prodigal Son. But he was talking about the older son, his bitterness and his lack of forgiveness for the Prodigal Son. How this bitterness kept him from receiving all the blessings he so richly deserved. He went to explain he had a video clip of Rick Warren and his wife speaking about forgiving the young man who had given their son the gun he later used to kill himself. He looked at us and said since we had spoken to his congregation about Jacob how much more personal it would be if Bart and I would share about how we forgave Justin. Justin. Justin the young man who on that Friday night sold my son pills that were lethal with alcohol and which later caused him to slowly die as his heart quit beating and his breath stopped completely. Justin. How we had forgiven him. I looked up at Joey with tears in my eyes and said, "We can't because we haven't forgiven him. For three years and 9 months I have hated him. I have blamed him and wished him prison because death would be too kind. Three years of bitterness and hatred. When I imagined him enjoying life, laughing, working, his heart beating and lungs breathing it was too much for me to handle. My hatred grew even larger. I have blamed him every moment since that phone call on February 20. And here I was having to look in the eyes of our sweet preacher friend and say no, I have not forgiven Justin. Why had we come this Sunday, why was Joey preaching on this? But I knew, I knew God had planned this out. It was not by accident we were in this service and confronting our unforgiveness. For the past three years every book I read dealt with forgiveness, every song I heard dealt with forgiveness, every Bible Study I taught dealt with forgiveness. I would apologize to my ladies for having to endure the chapter because it was solely for me. I knew God wanted me to forgive but I was not ready to let go of my anger. I wanted that blame that anger. Forgiveness would mean I would have to look at myself and the part I played in Jacob's death, the part Jacob played. It was much easier to hate Justin, blame him. But the past 3 months God has been dealing with my heart. And today I knew I could no longer run. Today, from out of nowhere we ended up at First Baptist Stringtown with the topic forgiveness and Joey was asking us to speak about ours. And so with tears streaming down my face I told him we couldn't because we hadn't forgiven Justin. It was so stark in my face. How could I witness to others and tell them the great things God had done in our lives since Jacob died when I couldn't even forgive this young man. My Savior died on the cross for everyone. He forgave us all of our sins, unconditionally and yet I couldn't forgive Justin. Joey went on to preach his sermon. It was as if there were only three people in the room, Joey, myself and God. God quietly whispering I forgave your sins. God had forgiven me of all my sins and yet I couldn't quit blaming Justin for my son's death when in reality Jacob made his own choice. Jacob was responsible for his own death. There I said it. I could no longer put the blame on someone else. I could no longer wallow in my hatred and bitterness. At the end of the sermon Joey looked at me and asked if I would like to speak. I stood in front of the congregation and told them of my struggles. I told them how much hatred I had towards this man but then I told them God had brought me there that morning knowing Joey was going to be preaching that very sermon and ask me point blank about my forgiveness. Broken in front of these precious people I told them how convicted I was of what I needed to do. Saying the words outloud made my determination stronger. I knew I no longer could hide from God my feelings. I knew that there was no turning back. My son died. He took the pills he drank the alcohol and he died. I thought about it the entire way home. How could I say the words. How could I ask Justin for forgiveness for the way I had felt towards him. Could I just say in my heart I forgive. No God wanted the words to be spoken. I don't know where Justin is today. But tonight in complete brokeness I wrote him a letter begging him for his forgiveness and telling him I would pray for him daily. The peace that came from that moment was freeing. Just last night in my Bible study the question was posed, What prayer do you feel God has been silent on? I wrote down, moving forward healing from Jacob's death. When Joey asked about our forgiving Justin I knew that was my answer. God wanted me to forgive so I could move on. So I could heal. Did God have this planned? You bet. For months He has been working on me. But I wasn't ready. But God took me to a little church in a small town in southern Oklahoma to hear His words and find peace. It was no coincident that we were there today. It was orchestrated by God Almighty. I am just glad I was able to witness God's plan in action. I am just glad I serve a mighty and powerful God. And I am glad for a preacher friend who is obedient to preach the word of God just like God told him weeks ago. Forgiveness