Side Note

A little note about the Sand Dollar post. I never did find the sand dollar. I searched and dug. But I did find parts of sand dollars. It gave me hope. My whole sand dollar is out there and someday I will find it but until then I will be content with the pieces. My life is in pieces and I have hope and faith that someday it will be whole again. God has promised me my sand dollar. It may not be in this life time but I will be whole again. Love you all and thank you so much for allowing me to write and you reading it. You do not know how much that means to me. God is faithful.

Letting Go

I have a problem with letting go of things. I have always known it but yesterday it became even more apparent. When I was little I would save every memento of my life. My mom would go through my things periodically to thin things out. Now I am not a hoarder but I just hate letting go, especially of memories. My aunt and uncle lived in a white two story house with black shutters and a deacon bench on the front porch for over 30 years. They owned the yellow house with white shutters and the blue house with white shutters right next to them. I come from a large family and we all, the cousins, grew up there.We played in the yards, trees, up and down the stairs. We lay awake at night looking out the window from the second story sharing dreams of the what was yet to come. We ran in fear past the guest room which we were convinced was haunted, so many memories. When they decided to down size I was crushed. How could they sell these houses which had been so vital to our growing up. How could they let other people live in the very home we grew up in. So I decided I couldn't let them go. I bought the pretty little yellow house and the quaint little blue house. I couldn't let go. I wanted the big white house. I was going to make it a boarding house for college students who would live and share their dreams together. But Bart wouldn't let me go that far. So today I own the blue and yellow house as they are still called. Other people live in them but I still have a piece of the memories and no one can change them. To me they are a link to my childhood. I have trouble letting go. Yesterday, Kyler and Cheyanne, my youngest son and his lovely new bride, moved into their new apartment. They came to pick up all their worldly belongs from our house. Their clothes, books, tv, wedding gifts and more. It was ok. They were starting a new life. I was ok. I was letting go. I was so proud of myself. No tears. No sadness. Until. Until, they wanted their glasses. Two simple sets of glasses. I had bought them at estates sales of my Aunt Lena and Aunt Peggy. I had bought them Kyler, for that day when he set up house with his new bride. I knew they were his. I was just storing them until that day. That day had arrived. They wanted their glasses. But you see to me they represented more than two sets of glasses and a pitcher, they represented the past. A link to my aunts. A link to my past. I wanted them to have them but shook at the idea of letting go. What if they broke them. My head knew that would be ok but my heart screamed, "No, that is my past. That is my aunts." I took them slowly down from the cabinet. I looked at them and saw my aunts. I knew they would tell me this was silly. My past, my memories are not in those glasses, they are in my heart. Let go. Let go and realize you will never lose the past. My aunts would be thrilled Kyler and Cheyanne were using their glasses. That would make them so happy. Sitting in my cabinet they would do no good. Letting go. But it was more than just the glasses. I realized I was letting go of my baby boy. Yes, he had been married for almost a month now but he had still been living down the hall in his bedroom, eating dinner, playing video games, watching movies, being a part of our family. But now he was creating his own family. Letting go. He would come home to visit but that is what it would be, to visit. No longer would I be the one taking care of him. I have worked for 18 years preparing him to leave this house and create a life for himself. I should be proud, happy. But my heart screams out I need more time, I want more time, I can't let go. But I know as I take each glass down I am getting closer to letting go. I can't keep him in the same existence like I have the blue house and yellow house. I can't preserve those memories in their same state. I take the glasses down one by one and one by one I know that I am letting go. I am letting go my youngest son to become the most amazing man and husband that God has called him to be. I have faith he will be fine but my hand trembles at the thought of him and those glasses leaving this house. Is it over? Is this all there is? You bring a precious child into this world and throw your heart and soul into every being of their life? And then they leave? Yes,that is what happens. You do spend every moment of their life preparing them for this very day. And even when your heart is breaking thinking you are losing your child you slowly begin to realize as you pull the final glass down they are ready. Your job is done. They will visit, they will call, they will come to you for advice and comfort. But it will never be the same. You can not keep them at home forever. You have to let them go. You pack the glasses carefully knowing that someday one may get broken or all my shatter onto the floor. But nothing, not even a thief in the night can steal the memories. They are forever. They are in your heart. Letting go. It never gets easier to let go. I know that I will never get very good at it. But I am glad. That means I love with all my heart and even through my tears I know that letting go is the right thing to do. But precious baby boy know that I am so glad I have such happy memories and I am proud of who you have become. Take care of the glasses, take care of your wife and make your new memories as a family. I let you go.

Defining moments

Defining moments. Our life is now measured in the time before Jacob died and after Jacob died. That was a life changing moment. We use to define our lives by before children and after children. That was the biggest life changing moment we had. Life changes define us. They define who we are, who we will become, what we are made of or not made of. Life changing moments do not just happen and life goes on. There is true change that happens. Before children we had leisurely evenings, vacuumed every night, ate hot meals and went to the bathroom alone. After children that all changed. We grew as parents. We learned to balance several things at one time and eat in spurts while helping the children. We were not always effective but we grew and stretched ourselves. If change does not happen it is probably not a defining moment. I talk to many people who really haven't had much life change. Their lives rock along with out any problems. At times I envy them. How nice to not have those big moments. But at times I realize that God places those life changing moments in our paths to grow us. Here lately I have begun telling God maybe I need to slow down my growth process and allow my spirit to catch up. ha I jest here but today as I was walking on the beach I began thinking about that, about how many times when I am faced with a chance to grow I don't. I was walking on the beach looking for a sand dollar, one of God's amazing creation of nature. The sand dollar is a live creature and is dark colored when alive. What we know as the sand dollar is the skeleton remains which are washed up on the beach area. That is what I was looking for. I met a man who told me I wouldn't find them right out there on the beach laying on top of the sand. He said sand dollars live out on the sand bars in the ocean. When the seas get rough they wash them inland and you find them buried in the high clumps of grass up farther from the beach. He said you have to dig down to find them intact and in their perfect beautiful form. He moved on looking for shells and I began to think about that. You only find sand dollars when the seas are rough and they are washed ashore. You then have to dig very deep to find that true perfect beauty. I think our lives are like that. True beautiful life changing moments only happen when the seas are rough. As long as the seas are calm things really don't produce true change. And then to find the beauty of the life changing moment you have to go beyond the surface. You can't walk along the much beaten path and look at the surface of the beach to find the sand dollar. All you find there are broken shells. Which are still pretty but they are not the wondrous sand dollar. In order to find the beauty of the sea storm you have to get off the path and wander into the brush. Then you have to get dirty by digging deep into the sand. I think for the past two years I have been trying to find the direction, the lesson, the healing, the hope and the joy of Jacob's death by just looking on surface at the broken pieces. Digging deep takes a lot of energy and time which I haven't had. It can be messy and painful. I haven't wanted to go there. But I know that if I never get off the path and listen to God's voice and dig through all the feelings and pain I will never find the true healing and peace that God has promised He will provide. In death there is beauty to be found. Jacob is in a place of utter peace and beauty. He is so much happier there than he ever was here on planet earth. But to truly see that I have to accept his death. I have to dig deep within myself to find to that acceptance and peace. I pray that I have the strength to keep digging until I find the perfect sand dollar. I pray for you that you have life changing moments. Not death but positive life changing moments. If our lives are rocking along with no defining moments I think we have to ask if God is truly working in our lives. That doesn't mean you have to have bad things happen. Life changing can be good. Maybe God has given you an opportunity at work to move to someplace where you can bring Him glory. Did you keep your eyes on the broken shells of the beach mad because you were reassigned or did you dig deep to see where He wants you to go. I didn't find a sand dollar on the beach today but I will keep looking. I don't want another two years like these have been but I want God to constantly challenge me to grow and change and find more and more ways to glorify Him. And even though sometimes that growth will come through pain changing storms I know that deep inside me is a perfect sand dollar. When I truly seek God I will someday find it. Have you had a life changing moment? If so I pray you will get off the beaten path and seek God and someday find your sand dollar.

The year of seconds.

This is the year of seconds. The second Easter without Jacob. The second summer without Jacob. The second birthday without Jacob. The second Thanksgiving and Christmas without Jacob. I have always told people the second year is the hardest. The first year you are numb. The second year you realize it is for real, forever. They are not coming back. They are not just away. The cold harsh reality sets in. While everyone else has gone back to life you sit in the midst of living every day with the world still spinning and people still living their lives while your world has spun totally out of control. The sad fact is most people go on with an occasional thought of Jacob, but we the family have a giant elephant still sitting in our living room. Not sure he will ever go away. No matter if it is just Bart and I sitting here watching tv or the whole family gathered over the elephant is always there lurking, waiting to see if we will mention him. If we will ignore him or break down. The tension of waiting to see if he gets mentioned if anyone notices the tears forming in your eyes for no reason never ends. Everyday is a challenge. Getting out of bed is a momentous task. Before my eyes open I am praying for strength to go on another day. Strength to put on a smile and act like my life is fine. Yes, I look fine on the outside but the inside is melting. Falling away. I am afraid to feel. Afraid to touch the hurt for fear of falling very far away. I can not give into the pain or I am afraid I will cease to exist because it is so overwhelming. I know you think I should be over it by now. I should not be so consumed. I know I should choose joy everyday. But I want you to know it is a challenge everyday to breathe, walk, love and laugh. But I do it for my family. I do it through the strength of God. My every morning prayer. I do it through the strength of prayer interceded by you. Yes, it is so important for you to lift those people up everyday even if it has been months, years. A parent's pain never ends. That child was born a part of you and will continue to be a part of you no matter what. But I digress. The holidays. I am saddened at holidays because they continue on in spite of my pain. I know the world does not revolve around me but I look around the room at gatherings and since the big elephant is sitting there wondering if it will be mentioned. Everyone is afraid to mention it for fear the tears will start. We want a normal holiday. At first I think they don't remember. I go off into another room when the tears overflow from my eyes. I come back with reddened eyes and notice others eyes avoiding mine. I feel like the perpetual downer. I want to scream how can you be happy and eat when I want to vomit in my plate because I can't breathe. But then I look across the room and see my husband's eyes. They connect and we speak a thousand words in that look. He knows my pain. He is telling me to breathe. He is saying I miss him too. He is saying you can do this. Together we will be strong. I go on breathing. I look over and see my nephew, the sadness in his eyes. He is missing his best friend and cousin. Born 6 weeks apart, related by blood but friends by choice. He grieves so hard for his Jacob. I know looking at him what it cost him to come to my house. The pain of walking through the door and knowing Jacob will not be here. He sees the giant elephant but he came anyway. He is my hero. I look in his eyes and I know he knows. I know we see each other's pain. I know together we can do this. My heart breaks for him because I know for him that pain is always there too. I wish I could fix it but he too has to walk through it to get to the other side. But I seek solace in knowing I am not alone. I catch a glimpse of others staring off and I wonder are they too thinking about the enormous elephant which gets bigger with each passing moment? I look up and see my son staring at me. The compassion and hurt in his eyes. He too speaks so clearly with his eyes. Are you ok? What can I do? You can do this. Be strong. Then I look around the room and see through all the laughter and presents the eyes of all are clouded. There tooare volumes behind their eyes being spoken. We are here. We are in the same room feeling the same thing. The sadness. The brokenness. We grieve. We hurt but we must go on. We go on because we are family. Because we believe in each other and God. The room screams we all miss Jacob. But we must go on. So silently through the eyes of loved ones we speak about the elephant. We hug, silent tears slip through. We love on each other because we know what we have is so precious. The elephant got a little smaller. It is still there but smaller. I still wonder how people get up each day and go about their business when my world quit spinning Feb 20, 2010. Slowly, I know my world will come to focus again. But not yet. I am not done grieving and never will completely "be there". But I do have hope because I have God, family and friends. Somehow we will get through this season and move on to the year of thirds. But until then keep praying for us. Keep praying for all those other families that have an elephant in their living room. Know that whether it has been one year or fifteen years the pain is still as vivid as the first. Speak volumes with your eyes if you can't with your words. Let them know that you haven't forgotten. Look at your own elephants in the room. Is there resentment, a grudge, or grief in the room? We are not guaranteed another Christmas. We are not guaranteed another day. We have today to make an impact on someone, heal a wound, tell someone what they mean. Live with no regrets. I pray each one of you has a very Merry Christmas but even more importantly I pray that through all the gifts and festivities you realize that if Jesus had not come, died on the cross and resurrected on the third day we would have no hope. This would be it. But because of that tiny baby in the manager we have hope for tomorrow. Our God is great and mighty.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

I lay here unable to sleep this night before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving a time to reflect and be thankful for all that we have. Thankful. I have been anything but thankful this past season. I have been totally focused on what I don't have. Consumed day and night being ungrateful for all I do have. I have so much. I have been blessed beyond imagination but I still focus on what I don't have, my son. I said last Feb that I was going to focus on where he is not where he is not. I have failed at that. I still wallow in self pity, I still cry throughout the day and night. I still long to hear his laughter and feel his arms giving me a giant hug. But tonight, I want to be thankful. I want to joyous for all I have. I want to be strong. I am thankful for my other children. They get so overshadowed because of my grief. They live in the shadow constantly But I am so thankful for them. I love who they have become and can't imagine anyone else I would rather spend time with besides Bart. I love my youngest, Kyler, for his unbelievable kind heart. He is the most giving young man I know. He thinks of others always before himself. I love the way he loves God. I love to watch him worship. He praises with every cell in his body. I love his maturity while still keeping his youthful sense of play. He is so much fun. I love my middle child, Zachary, for his sensitve loving heart. He sense the feelings and needs of others and reaches out without hesitation. I love how he calls every night just to check in. I love how he misses Oklahoma so much. I love his protectiveness of me. I love his deep deep thoughts and his love for learning. I love how he is never satisfied with pat answers but seeks his own answers. I love his sense of family and commitment to God always seeking to know more. I love my son that I did not give birth to but is truly my own. I share him with his mother and for that I am thankful. I love his true sense of family and the father he has become. I see so much of Bart in him. I love the random phone calls just to say hi and see how I am doing. I love his sense of humor and the way he loves his brothers so deeply. I love when faced with a problem he asks for advice and listens. I love my husband, Bart. This man has endured more than any man should. He loves me in spite of everything I do. He is patient, kind hearted, and works so hard to provide for us. I love that he puts me and the kids first. I love that he carries his Bible in his truck so he can study God's word. I love the Godly man he has become, the leader of our family. I love that this man gives me space or holds me close and knows when to do both. I love his unconditional love. I am thankful for the rest of my family who put up with my craziness and love to laugh. I am thankful for a strong sense of family that I have grown up with. The grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, parents and parents in law all who have given me the love of family. I am thankful I grew up surrounded by a large family who instilled in me that family comes first. I am thankful for a God who loves me in spite of me. A God who had a plan for my life from the very beginning to the very end. A God who has very big shoulders for me to beat and cry on. A God who sent His son to die so I could live eternally. A God who gives me hope that some day I will see my son again. The son, my first born, who lived life to the fullest and love everyone. Who from the moment he could speak loved to entertain and laugh. A son who loved deep and felt deep. A son who would give you the shirt off his back. A son who judged not but loved all unconditionally. A son who loved his family and enjoyed vacations in the mountains, watching movies late at night, popcorn and dr pepper, all of this and more if he could only be with his family. A son who had an unbelievable love for his brothers. He was their hero and they were his. They were his best friends. I am thankful that someday we will all be together again. But until that time I will try to be thankful for what I have but know that a part of my heart will always be sad. A sadness that there is no cure for. Time will not heal, therapy will not heal, no one can touch it. A mother's pain is her own. I pray for the broken hearted mothers tomorrow as they go about preparing the holiday meal, seeking to be thankful for all they have been given. I pray for strength to carry on and see the beauty of life around you in spite of your broken heart.

Celebration or the day your world stopped spinning.

A celebration or a moment in time when the world stopped spinning.

A friend of mine celebrated the 2nd anniversary date of her son's death. Celebrated? That is a strange word we use to speak of once a year reliving the nightmare of that day. We celebrate birthdays or holidays but to celebrate the day your child died is wrong in so many ways. I think we use them to dull the reality of what that day is. To say today is the day my son died 2 years ago and my world was turned upside down is too harsh for most people. We want to soften the words. But the words are still there. Our children are dead. Dead. Those words are still so hard to print. I drive to the cemetery several times a week, some more. And no matter how many times I have been there, pulled up to the place my son is buried I still startle at seeing his name, his picture, his birth and death date. Everytime I go I shiver at seeing his name on that cold headstone. The reality that his body is in the ground. I know I should rejoice in the fact his soul is in Heaven but my own soul longs for his laughter, his giant hugs, the sound of his voice. So why do I go? Because it is a connection that I can not break. I go to see and force myself to the realization that today I wake up and he is still dead. It wasn't a dream, a nightmare. It is my reality. But it is much more. It is my husband and children's reality. The other day we had Kyler and Cheyanne's wedding shower. I wanted to be happy. I am happy but in the back of every waking moment is my sadness, my emptiness, my broken heart. Something simple as getting the mail will trigger a memory, a feeling, a longing. The family events trigger that hole even more so. I love my son, Kyler and his precious wife to be, Cheyanne. I do not want to take anything away fom the happiness of this joyous occassion and I try so hard to put the mask on and push the sadness from my every cell. I tried so hard that day and stayed so busy until I sat down and looked around. Everyone was laughing, everyone was in the moment. I have to leave the room so I can escape and let the tears come unchecked. I walk outside and take a deep breath. Please, God, help me get through the moment without the overflowing of sadness. Please don't let me mar Kyler's day. I walk around the corner of the house and see the most beautiful fully opened yellow rose. Our neighbor gave us this rosebush right after Jacob died. It has never blossomed very well. It would bud but never bloom. In front of my eyes Jacob's rosebush had one single beautiful fully bloomed rose. It was if he wanted to remind me of the beauty in our life. He wanted to tell me in that moment he too was happy. God gave me that very special private moment. He too wanted to remind me to look for the beauty in life to realize that sometimes the fully bloomed rose takes a while. I too will take a while to ever bloom again but it will happen. My day was brighter, I could breath and find some laughter in the day. I could find some joy if for just that moment. Thank you God. And thank you God for giving me Kyler who understands how much I love him and that I never want to take away from his happines but somedays the sadness is overwhelming. His day will be a celebration. A joyous occasion which we will celebrate every year for the rest of his life. Jacob's date is not a celebration but an occassion where we mark the end of the rest of his life.
My prayers go out to you my friend on the day your world stopped spinning.

Worry

I am a worrier. I think I was born a worrier. I have always worried. Before the time of cell phones years ago if my parents went someplace without letting me know and I couldn't find them I would call the local hospitals. I just knew they had a wreck and were in the hospitals. If my kids went to a friend's house that I didn't know well, I would drive up and down the street just to make sure everything was ok. I worried. I really tried to give up worrying and trust God. In fact, at one point, I turned Jacob completely over to God and claimed Jer 29:11 that God had great and mighty things in store for him and not things of destruction and fear. My worrying got better. Then Feb 20 happened. God did have great and mighty things in store for Jacob just not the way I wanted it to happen. But with Feb 20 the worrying came back. As a mom who has had a child die, our biggest nightmare has come true, I live in constant fear now. I feared that phone call before. Now that I have recieved it and know what it feels like I fear it even more.
Yesterday, Kyler and Cheyanne went to see Zachary in Nashville. Hard for me because I didn't even let Zachary make that drive by himself until he was 21. When Zachary does make the trip I call every hour just to check on him and make sure he is awake. An hour is all I can be brave and have to give in to my worry.
Yesterday, I was trying so hard not to call. It was noon and I still had't called. It was dinner time and I still hadn't called. Each minute that went by it grew harder and harder not to rip the phone from its cradle and call and make sure they are not dead in some ditch. But I try and try hard. I go to a movie to make the time go by faster. Thinking each second that goes by I am one step closer to hearing they are there safe and sound. Not really hearing the movie but knowing that I am marking time. That the call that I have feared all day will never happen. At 7:20 in the movie my phone rings. I whisper to Kyler, "In the movie. Where are you? Text me when you get there and I will call later."
They were an hour out. I could relax. I was not going to fall apart with worry. I begin to breathe and enjoy the movie.
We leave the movie at 9:30. The knot in my stomach begins to grow. Why hasn't he texted me. What if everything is not ok? I call. And I call. And there is no answer. The feeling is beginning to surface. When is my phone going to ring and it won't be Kyler. I can do this. Just breathe. Just pray. Just keep breathing. I call again. I call Cheyanne. I call Zachary. I call Katie. Why is no one answering their phone. What is wrong. The tears begin to fall. I call all four again. No answer. I call Nathan. I call Daniel. Why are six people at the same time not answering their phone. Flashbacks start to happen. I am driving to the hopsital and calling and calling Tara. Tara pick up and tell me Jacob is ok. Why won't she answer. Wait, I call Kyler again. This is different. My mind is shouting PICK UP. Tell me they are ok. I call Zachary and Cheyanne and Katie. I call Nathan and Daniel. I text. My crying is increasing. My body is racked by the shaking. I feel my phone and the incessent ringing and no one, no one is answering. I am back in that car Feb 20 calling and calling Tara wanting her to tell me everything is ok. I am at the hospital running in the door where they immediately open. I am running down the hall and screaming when I see the chaplain. I am in the truck crying hysterically, calling over and over shaking uncontrollably. My phone rings jolting me back to reality. It is Kyler. They had stopped to eat dinner and didn't hear their phone. It is Zachary texting to say they are in a play and will call in just a little bit. My world is slowly spinning back into place. Was it really only 15 minutes that have passed. Did I race back to that day when my world changed so quickly? Have I not grown any in the last 21 months? I thought I was truly getting better. When does the fear of experiencing a mother's worst nightmare go away? When do you get to breathe again that all is going to be ok? You don't. Once you have experienced that nightmare call you know. You know first hand the fear, the sorrow, the pain. You know how it can come at a moment's notice and change your life. One moment you are alive and careful free and the next you get the call that kills part of your soul. The call that means never again will all be right with the world. So you panic. You pray. You become hysterical. And children have to learn that their life will never be the same. Mom worried before but now she panics. She panics the call will come again. She panics that she is coming undone. The crying and fear will never stop. Each day comes a new day, a new attitude. Today, I tell myself I won't go back down that road. I won't panic. I won't live in fear. But by nightfall I feel myself slipping as the darkness covers the night. I lay in bed and worry. Worry.