I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Sometimes we get so caught up in living we forget to live and do the small things that help us heal. Last night I got one of those simple little joys in life that healed a huge hole in my life. As I have told you before my body aches some days for a hug from Jacob. Jacob hugged like no one else I know. He hugged in a full bear hug and squeezed you like all of his life depended on it. He hugged you whether you wanted it or not. Many times I would be walking down the hall arms filled with dirty clothes heading to the laundry room and Jacob would jump out of the bathroom and grab me in a full hug. He would say mom just hug me back. With my arms full and busy with laundry I would say later, I am busy. What I would give for one of those hugs now.
Last night I got one. We were at my sister in love's house celebrating my mother in love's birthday. I am not theirs because of the law but because of their unconditional love towards me.
Everyone was there and busy talking and laughing. I struggle at these events because it is so obvious that Jacob is missing. I try to bring my crocheting so I can talk and keep my attention always focused off the elephant in the room, Jacob is gone. I had forgotten it so my eyes kept busy watching as Kyler stepped up and played with the grandchildren, again another reminder that he is gone. Jacob would lay right in the middle of the room in everyone's way to play with his nephews and niece. He loved them so much and they loved him.
I sat on the couch trying to keep the tears from falling, trying to make conversation about trivial things when my youngest grandchild, Noah, stopped his playing and walked over to me out of the blue and gave me the biggest bear hug. He stretched until his tiny arms wrapped completely around me and touched his own hands. He squeezed so hard and put his shoulder on my chest. He looked up at me and smiled then went back to playing.
It was as if Jacob had just given me a hug. Tears brimming I looked at my sister in love, Brenda and told her he hugs like Jacob. Trying to hold it together the rest of the night I kept replaying that moment in my head. Noah gave me a simple hug but it meant the world to me. I want to believe it was a gift from Jacob. The human touch that we all crave but so seldom get in this busy world. We side hug or air hug or pat on the back. But when is the last time you got that spontaneous full fledged hug from the heart. That person who just hugged you and you could feel the love down to your toes. I come from a family of huggers. Sometimes we have been know to hug each other when they just go to take out the trash. I love hugs. But honestly so many times even in my own family it is a sweet soft polite hug. Sometimes a person just needs more, a strong bear hug from the heart. How many people today will never feel human touch. We live in a society that texts, facebooks, tweets, calls but never has that face to face contact much less human touch. My mother some days goes all day long without seeing a live human face. I ask her does it bother her? She says no, but I can feel in her hugs when I come over the intense desire for human touch. So I challenge you from this day forward, hug. Don't be too busy when your children come up for a hug. Don't say goodbye to a loved one without a hug. Don't forget the people who live alone and need that special hug from you. And remember sometimes people need more than the soft sideways hug they need a full bear hug.
Little Noah, I thank you for the perfect hug in the middle of your play. But I also thank you for reminding me to reach out to people and give more than the barest of touch.
