Thanksgiving
I lay here unable to sleep this night before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving a time to reflect and be thankful for all that we have. Thankful. I have been anything but thankful this past season. I have been totally focused on what I don't have. Consumed day and night being ungrateful for all I do have. I have so much. I have been blessed beyond imagination but I still focus on what I don't have, my son. I said last Feb that I was going to focus on where he is not where he is not. I have failed at that. I still wallow in self pity, I still cry throughout the day and night. I still long to hear his laughter and feel his arms giving me a giant hug. But tonight, I want to be thankful. I want to joyous for all I have. I want to be strong. I am thankful for my other children. They get so overshadowed because of my grief. They live in the shadow constantly But I am so thankful for them. I love who they have become and can't imagine anyone else I would rather spend time with besides Bart. I love my youngest, Kyler, for his unbelievable kind heart. He is the most giving young man I know. He thinks of others always before himself. I love the way he loves God. I love to watch him worship. He praises with every cell in his body. I love his maturity while still keeping his youthful sense of play. He is so much fun. I love my middle child, Zachary, for his sensitve loving heart. He sense the feelings and needs of others and reaches out without hesitation. I love how he calls every night just to check in. I love how he misses Oklahoma so much. I love his protectiveness of me. I love his deep deep thoughts and his love for learning. I love how he is never satisfied with pat answers but seeks his own answers. I love his sense of family and commitment to God always seeking to know more. I love my son that I did not give birth to but is truly my own. I share him with his mother and for that I am thankful. I love his true sense of family and the father he has become. I see so much of Bart in him. I love the random phone calls just to say hi and see how I am doing. I love his sense of humor and the way he loves his brothers so deeply. I love when faced with a problem he asks for advice and listens. I love my husband, Bart. This man has endured more than any man should. He loves me in spite of everything I do. He is patient, kind hearted, and works so hard to provide for us. I love that he puts me and the kids first. I love that he carries his Bible in his truck so he can study God's word. I love the Godly man he has become, the leader of our family. I love that this man gives me space or holds me close and knows when to do both. I love his unconditional love. I am thankful for the rest of my family who put up with my craziness and love to laugh. I am thankful for a strong sense of family that I have grown up with. The grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, parents and parents in law all who have given me the love of family. I am thankful I grew up surrounded by a large family who instilled in me that family comes first. I am thankful for a God who loves me in spite of me. A God who had a plan for my life from the very beginning to the very end. A God who has very big shoulders for me to beat and cry on. A God who sent His son to die so I could live eternally. A God who gives me hope that some day I will see my son again. The son, my first born, who lived life to the fullest and love everyone. Who from the moment he could speak loved to entertain and laugh. A son who loved deep and felt deep. A son who would give you the shirt off his back. A son who judged not but loved all unconditionally. A son who loved his family and enjoyed vacations in the mountains, watching movies late at night, popcorn and dr pepper, all of this and more if he could only be with his family. A son who had an unbelievable love for his brothers. He was their hero and they were his. They were his best friends. I am thankful that someday we will all be together again. But until that time I will try to be thankful for what I have but know that a part of my heart will always be sad. A sadness that there is no cure for. Time will not heal, therapy will not heal, no one can touch it. A mother's pain is her own. I pray for the broken hearted mothers tomorrow as they go about preparing the holiday meal, seeking to be thankful for all they have been given. I pray for strength to carry on and see the beauty of life around you in spite of your broken heart.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Celebration or the day your world stopped spinning.
A celebration or a moment in time when the world stopped spinning.
A friend of mine celebrated the 2nd anniversary date of her son's death. Celebrated? That is a strange word we use to speak of once a year reliving the nightmare of that day. We celebrate birthdays or holidays but to celebrate the day your child died is wrong in so many ways. I think we use them to dull the reality of what that day is. To say today is the day my son died 2 years ago and my world was turned upside down is too harsh for most people. We want to soften the words. But the words are still there. Our children are dead. Dead. Those words are still so hard to print. I drive to the cemetery several times a week, some more. And no matter how many times I have been there, pulled up to the place my son is buried I still startle at seeing his name, his picture, his birth and death date. Everytime I go I shiver at seeing his name on that cold headstone. The reality that his body is in the ground. I know I should rejoice in the fact his soul is in Heaven but my own soul longs for his laughter, his giant hugs, the sound of his voice. So why do I go? Because it is a connection that I can not break. I go to see and force myself to the realization that today I wake up and he is still dead. It wasn't a dream, a nightmare. It is my reality. But it is much more. It is my husband and children's reality. The other day we had Kyler and Cheyanne's wedding shower. I wanted to be happy. I am happy but in the back of every waking moment is my sadness, my emptiness, my broken heart. Something simple as getting the mail will trigger a memory, a feeling, a longing. The family events trigger that hole even more so. I love my son, Kyler and his precious wife to be, Cheyanne. I do not want to take anything away fom the happiness of this joyous occassion and I try so hard to put the mask on and push the sadness from my every cell. I tried so hard that day and stayed so busy until I sat down and looked around. Everyone was laughing, everyone was in the moment. I have to leave the room so I can escape and let the tears come unchecked. I walk outside and take a deep breath. Please, God, help me get through the moment without the overflowing of sadness. Please don't let me mar Kyler's day. I walk around the corner of the house and see the most beautiful fully opened yellow rose. Our neighbor gave us this rosebush right after Jacob died. It has never blossomed very well. It would bud but never bloom. In front of my eyes Jacob's rosebush had one single beautiful fully bloomed rose. It was if he wanted to remind me of the beauty in our life. He wanted to tell me in that moment he too was happy. God gave me that very special private moment. He too wanted to remind me to look for the beauty in life to realize that sometimes the fully bloomed rose takes a while. I too will take a while to ever bloom again but it will happen. My day was brighter, I could breath and find some laughter in the day. I could find some joy if for just that moment. Thank you God. And thank you God for giving me Kyler who understands how much I love him and that I never want to take away from his happines but somedays the sadness is overwhelming. His day will be a celebration. A joyous occasion which we will celebrate every year for the rest of his life. Jacob's date is not a celebration but an occassion where we mark the end of the rest of his life.
My prayers go out to you my friend on the day your world stopped spinning.
A friend of mine celebrated the 2nd anniversary date of her son's death. Celebrated? That is a strange word we use to speak of once a year reliving the nightmare of that day. We celebrate birthdays or holidays but to celebrate the day your child died is wrong in so many ways. I think we use them to dull the reality of what that day is. To say today is the day my son died 2 years ago and my world was turned upside down is too harsh for most people. We want to soften the words. But the words are still there. Our children are dead. Dead. Those words are still so hard to print. I drive to the cemetery several times a week, some more. And no matter how many times I have been there, pulled up to the place my son is buried I still startle at seeing his name, his picture, his birth and death date. Everytime I go I shiver at seeing his name on that cold headstone. The reality that his body is in the ground. I know I should rejoice in the fact his soul is in Heaven but my own soul longs for his laughter, his giant hugs, the sound of his voice. So why do I go? Because it is a connection that I can not break. I go to see and force myself to the realization that today I wake up and he is still dead. It wasn't a dream, a nightmare. It is my reality. But it is much more. It is my husband and children's reality. The other day we had Kyler and Cheyanne's wedding shower. I wanted to be happy. I am happy but in the back of every waking moment is my sadness, my emptiness, my broken heart. Something simple as getting the mail will trigger a memory, a feeling, a longing. The family events trigger that hole even more so. I love my son, Kyler and his precious wife to be, Cheyanne. I do not want to take anything away fom the happiness of this joyous occassion and I try so hard to put the mask on and push the sadness from my every cell. I tried so hard that day and stayed so busy until I sat down and looked around. Everyone was laughing, everyone was in the moment. I have to leave the room so I can escape and let the tears come unchecked. I walk outside and take a deep breath. Please, God, help me get through the moment without the overflowing of sadness. Please don't let me mar Kyler's day. I walk around the corner of the house and see the most beautiful fully opened yellow rose. Our neighbor gave us this rosebush right after Jacob died. It has never blossomed very well. It would bud but never bloom. In front of my eyes Jacob's rosebush had one single beautiful fully bloomed rose. It was if he wanted to remind me of the beauty in our life. He wanted to tell me in that moment he too was happy. God gave me that very special private moment. He too wanted to remind me to look for the beauty in life to realize that sometimes the fully bloomed rose takes a while. I too will take a while to ever bloom again but it will happen. My day was brighter, I could breath and find some laughter in the day. I could find some joy if for just that moment. Thank you God. And thank you God for giving me Kyler who understands how much I love him and that I never want to take away from his happines but somedays the sadness is overwhelming. His day will be a celebration. A joyous occasion which we will celebrate every year for the rest of his life. Jacob's date is not a celebration but an occassion where we mark the end of the rest of his life.
My prayers go out to you my friend on the day your world stopped spinning.
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