I ran across some old song lyrics today. Not sure whose handwriting they were. Not sure if they were created by one of my boys or copied from another song writer. When I sat and read them I cried. I cried for a long time. My heart broke over and over. Were they written by one of mine? Were the harsh cruel words directed at me? My middle son reminded me gently that whomever wrote them was probably in a middle school angst. It was probably in a heated moment after a fight that was senseless. But was it? Even if they were written not by one of mine but some wealthy song writer my heart struggled with the idea that a some child felt this way at any time. It was entitled Dear Mom. (See why I took it a little personal?) It spoke of trying to live up to the mom's expectations but they changed every day. How they felt they could never be good enough to please the mom's face in front of her friends. How they were sick of trying to be good enough. Yes, this could have been one of mine. It could have been one of yours. Or it could have been the emo words of some famous writer. But today it struck me. Did I criticize you too much? Yes, I probably did because I was trying to help you see the potential I saw in you. Yes, I probably did because I did things wrong. Did I change my expectations? Yes, I probably did because my life was on a constant roller coaster. I didn't know what I wanted for me much less anyone else. Was I controlling and obsessive? Yes, probably because that is the way I was made. But did I do any of it to hurt you? NO. Would I, could I, should I have been a better mother? YES. Do I have regrets? Yes, every night when I close my eyes and think of every conversation we ever had and how I handled it wrong. Do I feel responsible? Yes, very much so. And I will carry that weight until the day I die. But you didn't come with a manual and I didn't have a clue what parenting was about. I just knew I loved you with all of my heart. If I could only go back in time. But I can't so I live in a self imposed exile of feeling like a failure. Yes, we looked good on the outside but I did so many things wrong. But one thing I didn't do wrong was love you, unconditionally even if you didn't feel it. I can't change my past but I can look forward. I can't undo what I did to Jacob but I try so hard now to be a better mom. But then I begin to believe that voice in my head that says I can't do it. Why try? I taught last week's Bible Study on being a Godly parent. I dreaded that week. I watched as I talked to ladies their the self imagined looks between each other when I spoke of raising them up in the Word so they won't stray. I did but mine strayed. I spoke of unconditional love and support. I did but mine didn't feel it. Who did I think I was to speak to other moms about raising children. My child died from a drug overdose. I heard the talk turn to kids who had turned out "bad" and the wonder at what the parent did wrong. Were they talking about me? Did I cause my child to turn to drugs? Did I drive him to his death. A teen once asked me if I ever thought maybe Jacob used drugs to escape from me? Did I ever think that? Yes, every night when I lay down and every morning when I rise. Did I cause my child to die? I spoke of the need to pray constantly for your children to protect them. My brain screams out silently I did that every day over and over. Was my faith not enough? Did I do it wrong? Is it all a joke God that if you pray for your children a hedge of protection that You will protect them? I scream with every fiber of my being God I prayed I believed and You let him die. Why? Do You really exist out there? And then I fall silent. Feeling like a total failure in life. What right did I have to speak to these ladies if I was questioning You, God. Slowly a flickering from the back of brain, a nudging to stop and listen. To remind myself that Yes, You exist. Yes, You protect but You give us free will and sometimes life is hard. I know Satan is behind my doubts and my fears. And that he pleasures in making me question God's existence. The warming of the heart comes back as I remind myself I loved all of my children unconditionally with all of my heart. Yes, I made many many mistakes but I did the best I could. I will continue with my other boys to constantly love them and do the best I can. I am so sorry Jacob if I ever made you doubt what an amazing person you were. I am so sorry Chris, Zachary and Kyler if I ever made you doubt what amazing men you are. But I know beyond a shadow of doubt I love you and God hears and answers prayers. But for every little child out there how ever old you are now, please know your momma loves you. You momma cares. She is doing the best she can. And sometimes it doesn't make sense what she says or does. But sometimes you have to forgive her so she can forgive herself.