Happy Birthday Sweet Jacob

I stand at the Wal Mart counter and quietly ask the kind young man to blow up balloons for my son's birthday. Yes, this many, no it doesn't matter the color of the string, no I don't mind waiting, yes thank you very much. As he puts the first balloon on the helium machine and slowly fills it with air, I too slowly lose my breath as tears stream silently down my face. Balloons for your son's birthday, what a happy occasion it must be. How old? 25 Big party? Yes Is he excited? I don't know he has celebrated the last three in Heaven. The look. The look of shock of I don't know what to say, let me hurry so you can go on. No, this time the look is of sadness not pity, but sadness as he silently blows up the balloons. He ties each one tenderly, puts them in my hands and says, "No charge." I look into his eyes and search for the pity, the shock but I see kindness as he nods and I go out the door. The gesture is more than I can take. The tenderness of that sweet young man makes me yearn for my sweet sweet boy. I go back to the first day we held you. So little and helpless. So perfect. So happy. So ours. I play back the years of birthday parties, swim lessons, starting school, playing ball then playing guitar. The late night conversations and the giant hugs that you could never get enough of. How I long for one of those hugs tonight. The night before your birthday. What I would give to just look in your eyes and see the joy and love that abounds from them. To hear your laughter and teasing. To feel you close to me. I walk into the darkness of an empty house and fear I will never hear laughter again. The quietness is deafening. What happened to it all? I want my life back. I want the laughter, the life the continuous revolving door. I want my boys back in my life. I want the simpler times back. I want us to all wake up in the morning and have a birthday scavenger hunt. I want to text you all day Happy Birthday. I want to come home and the family go out and celebrate. Come home and pile together to find the laughter. But tonight I will sit in the dark and breathe, tears streaming silently down my face and even though I can't see your precious baby blue eyes, I will remember the kindness of one young man tonight as I bought balloons for your birthday. I miss you more than imaginable my sweet sweet boy. Happy 25th birthday tomorrow. I know your celebration will be magnificent being in the arms of our sweet Lord. But God, hug him tight for his momma, and tell him how much I love him. Send me a kiss on wings of the wind that I might feel him with me tomorrow. Happy Birthday sweet Jacob.