A balloon to Heaven

Our Ladies' Bible Study group is in the process of studying the book of Malachai by Lisa Harper. The book is about God's people fussing at Him and questioning His actions while He allows it and then shows His great love to us through His grace and mercy. Last week's lesson was on questioning God. I truly believe it is ok to ask God, What were You thinking? Because it is so cool when He later reveals the miracles that happen through that action. When I was moved from working with my passion, crisis counseling with secondary students to Pre K- 2nd grade I truly looked to the Heavens and shook my head asking God what was He thinking? 4 years later when Jacob died and I was surrounded by such compassionate family at work I understood. I returned to work soon after he died because I worked at a place where little people come up and hug and say they love me all day long. I got what He was doing. It was so amazing to see how God had orchestrated all that before long before Jacob died. He knew what I would need. So last Monday night when we were given the task of writing down what we wanted to question God about and attaching it to a helium balloon to send to the Heavens I knew exactly what I wanted to ask. I knew the pat answers to why Jacob had to die. People's lives were changed, families reunited, kids quit using, and souls were saved. But I wanted to know why. Why my son. Why did my son have to die for these things to happen? Why? Why couldn't someone else's son die. Why mine? So I wrote out the note and attached it to my balloon as the rest of the ladies did the same. As we released the balloons I shared with the ladies that although God's ways were not the same as ours He was always faithful. I prayed for us to be shown the answers to our prayers in the following weeks. Then the ladies left and I sat about cleaning up and thought no more about it. That night though I had a very vivid dream. Jacob had come back to life and at first everything was perfect but then he started using again and it got bad. I lived in constant fear of him dying again. The agony of watching it all in my dream was gut wrenching. I cried throughout the night as I dreamed on and on. That next morning I was exhausted from the dream. As I awoke I was filled with such sadness and I relieved the nightmare. Then as I was driving to work still thinking about the dream as clear as a bell God spoke to my heart His answer. Jacob had to die because it wasn't ever going to get any better. The only way for him to be healed was to die in the flesh. His prayer journal recorded the words, God, I want to be focused on you 24 hours a day and be free from my demons of addiction. God was telling me that his addiction was never going to be healed in this lifetime. Healing could only come through death and be reunited with God, his Father. And somehow that gave me such peace. I have focused on all that we are missing without him. I had never focused on how life would be for him if he had lived. How hard it was for him when he was here. The day fight for his life with the demons of addiction. How he would tell me mom I have to fight to get up each day because I want to use but know I can't. Now he is free and more alive than ever. I praised God that morning driving to school. Thanking Him for His complete healing in Jacob and for being so quick and faithful in letting me question Him then with His loving grace showing me a little bit of His ways. Do I still miss my precious son? Yes, and it is still every moment of every day but I rejoice in knowing that he is so alive today in Heaven. Thank you God for letting me fuss and question while still holding me close in your arms. Night sweet boy, love you.