A dark frozen day.

I went to a child's funeral today. A twenty five year old child but a child nonetheless. I walk in, see the casket and sit down. I sit down and I feel nothing. Five days ago I walked into the parents' house. I entered their home and quickly saw the father's look. The look in his eyes that showed the hurt that comes from the unthinkable happening. A child dying way too early in life. I quickly adverted my eyes and began unloading the food I brought. I did not want to see those eyes, relive the thoughts, feel the pain that accompanies those eyes. I advert my eyes and say the nice things, I am so sorry, my heart breaks, time heals, God will see you through. But I feel nothing. I steel myself to keep my eyes adverted. If I don't and I look deep enough and begin to feel the pain I know I will begin to shout out the truth to these innocent people who right now are so numb. I will shout out the truth that time does not heal and the pain will never get easier because when I see their eyes I remember what is behind my frozen soul. What I steel myself against every day every moment so as not to lose control. I don't want to empathize because that would be to share that pain. I have been to that dark dark place. I don't want to go there again. So I shield myself from those eyes and when I lie in bed in the middle of the nights and I see the haunting image before me I turn the volume up on the tv and play a few more games on my phone. I drown the thoughts and images out by mindless noise and sights. Anything to not go to the place that my friends are now visiting. The reality of a child dying. A child being no more. The fear of how to go on. So instead some day I will share the hope to all this is to freeze the feelings. Do not visit there, do not allow anything to splinter the tiniest hole in your heart so that all the feelings come pouring out once again. Shield that heart from feeling and the pain stays at bay. No feeling no pain but also no love. The fear of the pain wins out. And I sit myself down in the pew with my muscles as tight bands so as to cut off the blood pumping from my heart to keep it all inside. And when the time comes to walk down that aisle and see the child inside the box where she lies the lack of blood keeps me frozen solid so I can walk and breathe and never feel a thing. The cold from the outdoors hitting my face like a slap to the chest is the only thing that brings me back to realize I am alive and once again the blood starts to flow. A child died and lives will never be the same. Yes, so very dark but some days are darker than others.