Almost

I almost made it. Almost. I have stayed so busy the entire time from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I have filled every moment with work, shopping, errands, tv, and more. I have kept my mind moving every moment of every day until sometimes it is hard to fall asleep at night from being beyond exhaustion. But, today it came crashing down. Today, in the Christmas candy aisle at Dollar General my carefully guarded heart fell out and shattered as it fell upon the floor. First the stinging in the eyes. I squeeze them closed to keep them at bay. But slowly, they began to fall then faster and faster. I stand in the aisle of Dollar General looking at Christmas candy I begin to fall apart. I shake my head in wonderment, thinking why now? Why here? My brain quickly goes back to the very last Christmas Jacob is alive. I bought blinking Christmas cups. A silly thing to put in their stockings. I remember Jacob laughing, throwing his head back and laughing out loud. He jumped up and poured milk in his cup. Said he was going to drink out of it all day. He drank from it the entire week. It made me smile. The memory, the heartache side by side. Coming from the hidden dark parts I keep locked away. A single memory and the flood gates open. I blindly make my way to the counter. Pay and run to the car. I pull out and before I realize I know where I am going. Where I am drawn magnetically. My car goes without me even guiding. I go to my solace my last place to see him. I go to the cold dark earth of the cemetery. I pass the other visitors who stand in silence gazing at the earth and I know I have to go. I have to get out and bend down on my knees and cry out to God once again please, let this not be true. I have to see his name on the granite to make myself realize nothing has changed. Please God don't let it be. I lay my head next to the image of his face and tell him I love him. I miss him. I want him to be here. Silence. And as the coldness seeps into my body, my tears slow and the sobs that have racked my body lessen, I pull myself up. I tell my baby boy goodbye. I almost made it. Almost.