Maybe just maybe I have begun to heal.

Last week in an attempt to destress my life, I read an article about decluttering and how it can create a more serene environment. I cleaned out the bookcases in our bedroom and simplified what I filled them with. It did create a better atmosphere. But something was missing. I needed a picture. I found myself searching and searching through the boxes of pictures I hadn't been able to go through. Pictures that took my breath away and made my heart skip beats. Pictures that created a hollow pit in my stomach because I knew they were the last. The last pictures of my son, gone far too soon. But today, I searched, searched for that one picture I knew I needed. At last I pulled it out. It was him, the beautiful eyes, the charismatic smile, the wind tossed looking hair, my Jacob. But this time it was different. I longed to look at it and remember. Something had changed. It was peaceful, comforting and for the first time in 6 years I put his precious picture on the bookshelf. I begin to look at his face every morning when I first came to the shelf by the door to let the dog out. I begin to look at his face every evening when I went to bed. I begin to feel his presence and it was peaceful. Today, I went to the cemetery to put new flowers on the graves, graves of my parents and my Jacob. I had made Valentine's arrangements, hearts and I love you's filling them . I busied myself putting them on the different graves while Bart secured the arrangements with wire. We both worked quietly but peacefully. Feeling like we had a sense of purpose. I realized something was different. There was peace. Soon I found myself walking through the cemetery putting flowers back in empty vases, straightening wreaths that the wind had tossed about. As I walked past my cemetery friends, the grave sites I always check on, people whose lives should not be forgotten, I felt such a peace. A peace that doesn't come so very often. As I sit here I realize that even though I miss my Jacob so very very much, with a longing that physically hurts my heart, that not a moment goes by that I don't think of him, that slowly very slowly there is a peace. I realize that in the 6 years since his death maybe just maybe I have begun to heal. Will this pass and the anxiety and pain start again? I don't know. I pray it won't. I hope you pray it won't but for today I want to sit here and enjoy the peace that God has given me. I love and miss you my precious boy but look forward to seeing you again. I will hold you in my heart until I hold you in Heaven.