To go someplace far far away where no one knows my name.

I am struggling today. Really struggling. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I try so hard to present a “have it all together woman.” But I don’t. This past two weeks I have forgotten so many things. I missed appointments, forgot to go to the hospital to pray over someone, phone calls weren’t returned, bills left laying on the table and my house has lacked in the area of cleaning. I even left the house for dinner with family and realized I had forgotten to put on makeup. Forgot to put on makeup!! I have never done that. I have tried making excuses for my forgetfulness, thoughtlessness, my apathy, my sometimes down right rudeness on my busyness. I have been short with people, cried for no reason, and felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. At times the anxiety has been crippling to the point of not being able to get up off the couch. My busyness. Started a new job, City Council, church responsibilities, mom, wife, Jacob’s Cupboard, homeless ministry, and redoing a rent house. But that is all an excuse. Today, I looked at the calendar. September 4. September that month that brings so much emotion. I think back to that first September after Jacob died. That first month that I had to realize for the first time in 23 years I wouldn’t be planning a birthday party. I wouldn’t be planning a birthday morning scavenger hunt for your present. September. That month that was once filled with joy not brought dread. And it still does. I want so desperately to escape. To go someplace far far away where no one knows my name. Where no one knows my pain. Where for a moment I can pretend my life is complete once again. Where sadness does not exist. Where when the month of September comes I can be happy and hopeful. But instead I sit here. With meetings, work, phone calls needing to be returned and a family that needs me to be a mom and wife. But linger here for a moment longer where tears flow and I miss you. Longing for you to walk through that door, pick me up in a bear hug and tell me how much you love me. Just to hear your voice one more time. To look into those beautiful blue eyes and be able to see through to your soul. Just one more time. I miss you. I want to go someplace far far away where no one knows my name. But I don’t because life calls. So I continue to plan your Birthday Celebration, number 10 without you. I worry no one will come, no one will remember, that no one will care. I worry that you will be forgotten. Your life will hold no meaning. But son, know that you lived so much in your 23 years and touched so many lives. And that in your death more lives are being touched. But for today, right now, I struggle. I miss you so much. I just want to go someplace far far away where no one knows my name.