Dear Son, As I sit closer to death than birth, I realize how much the people left have to do. How much stuff they have to dig through to decide if this is important or is that trash. So, I decided to downsize the attic. I found clothes from the 70’s and 80’s. Maybe they will come back in style. I found baby clothes and a saddle. Then I came to your things. It has been 15 years. 15 years since I held you, saw your precious smile or heard your contagious laugh. 15 years. As I sat in the attic looking at a box brimming with school paper from elementary school, I wondered what do you do with a life time of school math sheets and color pages. I pondered your brothers and sisters going through all our stuff. Crying, laughing and wondering why we had kept so much. Would they want to sit here and go through your things or would that reopen those wounds that they have so tightly kept closed. I opened the boxes and there was your little hand print in plaster, your journals from kindergarten that made no sense, your Bible School certificates and Mother’s Day Out color sheets. But I also found sweet, sweet notes you had written to your dad and I saying thank you for all we did for you and how much you loved us. I placed my hand in your handprint and read the sweet notes and cried. I cried for all that you have missed by not being here. I read your booklets of your dreams from 1st grade and hopes for the future. And I cried. I cried for you, for me, for dad, for your siblings, friends and those who never got to know you. Never knew what they missed out on. Then I sorted the papers. Kept the special ones and threw the math pages, color sheets and things that had started to fall apart. I slowly put all the special treasures back in the file folder. I closed that chapter of your life. As I worked to sort, I Can Only Imagine came on. As I sat there missing you and thinking of all you had missed out on the song reminded me of all you are experiencing right now. The peace and joy of Jesus. Your final prayer entry in your prayer journal, God, let me be rid of my demons and focus on you every moment is answered. You my son are not missing out but enjoying life to its fullest. As I finished and was trudging to the trash can to throw away all the memories, Lauren Daigle’s Trust in You came on. Letting Go of every single dream Oh Jacob I had so many dreams for you I lay each one down at Your feet God, I give it to you Every moment of my wandering Never changes what You see I’ve tried to win this war I confess My hands are weary I need Your rest Mighty Warrior King of the fight No matter what I face, You’re by my side When You don’t move the mountains, I’m needing You to move When You don’t part the waters, I wish I could walk through When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You I Will Trust, I will Trust I will Trust in You Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings There’s not a day ahead You have not seen So, in all things by my life and breath I want what You want, Lord, and nothing less. You are my strength and comfort You are my stead hand You are my firm foundation: the rock on which I stand Your ways are always higher Your plans are always good There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood. So my sweet son, enjoy your days with Jesus, dancing on your grave, beating death. I put your things back in the attic and tuck that pain back into my heart. I miss you every day my son. But I keep going because of the promise of Jesus, I will see you again. Love you Mom