Celebration or the day your world stopped spinning.

A celebration or a moment in time when the world stopped spinning.

A friend of mine celebrated the 2nd anniversary date of her son's death. Celebrated? That is a strange word we use to speak of once a year reliving the nightmare of that day. We celebrate birthdays or holidays but to celebrate the day your child died is wrong in so many ways. I think we use them to dull the reality of what that day is. To say today is the day my son died 2 years ago and my world was turned upside down is too harsh for most people. We want to soften the words. But the words are still there. Our children are dead. Dead. Those words are still so hard to print. I drive to the cemetery several times a week, some more. And no matter how many times I have been there, pulled up to the place my son is buried I still startle at seeing his name, his picture, his birth and death date. Everytime I go I shiver at seeing his name on that cold headstone. The reality that his body is in the ground. I know I should rejoice in the fact his soul is in Heaven but my own soul longs for his laughter, his giant hugs, the sound of his voice. So why do I go? Because it is a connection that I can not break. I go to see and force myself to the realization that today I wake up and he is still dead. It wasn't a dream, a nightmare. It is my reality. But it is much more. It is my husband and children's reality. The other day we had Kyler and Cheyanne's wedding shower. I wanted to be happy. I am happy but in the back of every waking moment is my sadness, my emptiness, my broken heart. Something simple as getting the mail will trigger a memory, a feeling, a longing. The family events trigger that hole even more so. I love my son, Kyler and his precious wife to be, Cheyanne. I do not want to take anything away fom the happiness of this joyous occassion and I try so hard to put the mask on and push the sadness from my every cell. I tried so hard that day and stayed so busy until I sat down and looked around. Everyone was laughing, everyone was in the moment. I have to leave the room so I can escape and let the tears come unchecked. I walk outside and take a deep breath. Please, God, help me get through the moment without the overflowing of sadness. Please don't let me mar Kyler's day. I walk around the corner of the house and see the most beautiful fully opened yellow rose. Our neighbor gave us this rosebush right after Jacob died. It has never blossomed very well. It would bud but never bloom. In front of my eyes Jacob's rosebush had one single beautiful fully bloomed rose. It was if he wanted to remind me of the beauty in our life. He wanted to tell me in that moment he too was happy. God gave me that very special private moment. He too wanted to remind me to look for the beauty in life to realize that sometimes the fully bloomed rose takes a while. I too will take a while to ever bloom again but it will happen. My day was brighter, I could breath and find some laughter in the day. I could find some joy if for just that moment. Thank you God. And thank you God for giving me Kyler who understands how much I love him and that I never want to take away from his happines but somedays the sadness is overwhelming. His day will be a celebration. A joyous occasion which we will celebrate every year for the rest of his life. Jacob's date is not a celebration but an occassion where we mark the end of the rest of his life.
My prayers go out to you my friend on the day your world stopped spinning.