The sunshine

I would like to apologize fo the bleakness of yesterday's post but I won't. I promised to always be real and that was real. Grief is like that. You go along smoothly and then fall into a deep dark valley only to go through a tunnel and find sunshine and beauty on the other side. Today, I ecxperienced that beauty. As I sit here on the porch surrounded by the beauty that can only be found in the hills of Virginia I am reminded of God's expertise touch on even the smallest details of life. The birds speaking to each other from one tree to another, the richness of the vines and greeniery lapping at the foot of evey tree. The stillness, the quietness reminding that God is everywhere. Reminding me that I do not travel this journey alone. That He who placed every vine every branch every spider web which is crafted on the dew of the morning is too crafting in me a peace, an assurance that I am not alone and He is still on His throne. That while I may have dark and dreary days the sun/son is with me and so too the sunshine. This morning I am thanking God for years ago placing this family, the Stitelers, in our lives. When Zachary went away to college and was placed with Nathan as a roommate never did we dream how similar our paths would be and how God would design a morning like today in the hospitality of their home to find my way back to sunshine and beauty. That He would give me a night of rest I haven't experienced in months. Yes, God does have a plan and none of this ever catches Him by surprise. This morning, this evening the wedding was all planned before we were ever knitted in our mother's womb. God is so good.

The Abyss

I run to you today. I can't stop myself I run to you. I have to write it down get it out because I feel a chink in the armor. I know if I ever let a crack into it the walls will come tumbling down. I feel but I don't because feeling means I will lose control. Control is what keeps me together. I am not hopeless because I have hope, no assurance, that I will see Jacob again. But it is for today this moment that I feel helpless. I don't know how to be this person. It has been over two years and I still don't know how to do this. How to be the mother of a child who has died. Just saying the words is enough to push me over into that abyss of depression if I don't keep control. I live on the brink of falling deep deep into that abyss every moment of every day. Every cell in my body craves to go there. To just fall head first and stay surrounded by that depression. It would be so comforting. So isolated. So numbing. But instead I fight. I fight with every breath I have to keep that wall of armor up so I don't feel. Don't feel anything good or bad. Bad feelings like Why? What did I do? What could have been done? How do I live without you in my life? How do I keep breathing? That my life is incomplete? 4 not 5. 2 not 3. Emptiness everywhere I turn. But I fight and fight hard. I keep that armor up so I don't fall in. Then good feelings. How proud I am of Zachary for graduating. How amazed I am at Kyler's talent last night when he sang his heart out about that day. That sad sad day. I have so much but feel so lost. I am happy, proud, amazed, excited about my family and life but constantly it is there wanting to tell me no, you can't be happy, proud, amazed, excited. He is not here to celebrate and share and it is not FAIR. I pick up the phone to text you about your brothers' lives and you are not there. I look up anticipating you walking through the door and you aren't there. I turn onto our street looking for your car but it is gone. I wake in the middle of the night thinking it is a dream and have to relive every moment to believe. So I stay in control. I don't let you close. I don't let you near the pain, the fear, the anguish, because if I do I might break. I might lose control and fall deep deep into that abyss. I am not cold, uncaring, rude, or unfeeling. I am just teetering on the edge and don't want to fall in. So I dry those tears, put on a clean shirt and face, face the future as a person I don't want to be. The mom of child who has died.