The Abyss

I run to you today. I can't stop myself I run to you. I have to write it down get it out because I feel a chink in the armor. I know if I ever let a crack into it the walls will come tumbling down. I feel but I don't because feeling means I will lose control. Control is what keeps me together. I am not hopeless because I have hope, no assurance, that I will see Jacob again. But it is for today this moment that I feel helpless. I don't know how to be this person. It has been over two years and I still don't know how to do this. How to be the mother of a child who has died. Just saying the words is enough to push me over into that abyss of depression if I don't keep control. I live on the brink of falling deep deep into that abyss every moment of every day. Every cell in my body craves to go there. To just fall head first and stay surrounded by that depression. It would be so comforting. So isolated. So numbing. But instead I fight. I fight with every breath I have to keep that wall of armor up so I don't feel. Don't feel anything good or bad. Bad feelings like Why? What did I do? What could have been done? How do I live without you in my life? How do I keep breathing? That my life is incomplete? 4 not 5. 2 not 3. Emptiness everywhere I turn. But I fight and fight hard. I keep that armor up so I don't fall in. Then good feelings. How proud I am of Zachary for graduating. How amazed I am at Kyler's talent last night when he sang his heart out about that day. That sad sad day. I have so much but feel so lost. I am happy, proud, amazed, excited about my family and life but constantly it is there wanting to tell me no, you can't be happy, proud, amazed, excited. He is not here to celebrate and share and it is not FAIR. I pick up the phone to text you about your brothers' lives and you are not there. I look up anticipating you walking through the door and you aren't there. I turn onto our street looking for your car but it is gone. I wake in the middle of the night thinking it is a dream and have to relive every moment to believe. So I stay in control. I don't let you close. I don't let you near the pain, the fear, the anguish, because if I do I might break. I might lose control and fall deep deep into that abyss. I am not cold, uncaring, rude, or unfeeling. I am just teetering on the edge and don't want to fall in. So I dry those tears, put on a clean shirt and face, face the future as a person I don't want to be. The mom of child who has died.