But I can't

I am so mad at you today. I am so mad that you are dead. I am so mad after 3 1/2 years when I pull up to the cemetery after going there 2-3 times a week and see your precious name on the Headstone that I still cry out to God WHY? Why did you have to die? Why must I endure every day consumed by how much I miss you? Still 3 1/2 years later why does it still hurt this bad. Why does my heart never heal? I try so hard to find someone who will hug me like you did. Who will walk up wrap their arms totally around me lift me off my feet hug me so hard I can barely breathe and say I love you. But I can't find anyone. I try so hard to find someone who will sit on my porch late at night and read with the porch light glaring down and as I walk out to tell them to lock up I can smell the cigarette odor which lets me know all is right with the world. But I can't find anyone. I try to find someone who will come running down the hall in the middle of the night jump into bed between Bart and myself and ask to sleep with us because they had just come from a haunted house and even though they are 22 want their momma and daddy to protect them. But I can't find anyone. I try so hard to find someone who will lay across the giant ottoman with their feet tripping me as I walk by telling me promising me that we will sure miss those boys when they move out because they aren't ever going to leave. They are going to live with us forever and take care of us in our old age because they have it too good here. I can't find anyone. I look and look for someone who wants me to sit with them in the middle of the day and watch a movie we have seen 10 times but just wants to spend time with me. But I can't. I want to find someone who will call me 5 times during the day to just see what I am doing because like me they can't stand the silence in the car while driving. But I can't. I want to find someone who looks, and smells and acts like you so I can pretend this nightmare is over. But I can't. I can't. I try so hard to make other people be like you but I can't I can't. All I can do is sit here and cry and stub my toe as I hit the wall again and again as I cry out. God, WHY? Just bring him back. Just make me wake up. Make the loneliness and the haunting dreams go away. Make my heart heal again. Make me want to keep breathing. I know tomorrow will be better but today I just want to be mad and miss you so much my arms ache to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I just want you back. But I can't.

Giving Up Facebook

Last night I had the most awesome experience of watching my only granddaughter be baptized. A year ago she accepted Jesus into her life as her personal Savior. Wow! Can I just say last night as I watched her be lowered into the crystal clear water and look up trustingly at her earthly father as he lowered her down and quickly brought her back up with water dripping down her face, her not caring, but jumping in the air with both fists pumping with the look of utter joy, a smile that was brilliant, brought the ultimate joy to my sometimes lukewarm heart. Knowing that not only are your own children going to be someday in the glorious Heaven existence with you but now your grandchild will right there by your side, worshiping the one and only God. Not that the act of baptism made her a child of God, that was decided a year ago when she committed her life to God. I thought to myself well, God is done speaking to me but I will sit and listen to the sermon. What more could I hear that would top this experience. I was wrong. As always with Craig Groschel, it is like he is speaking directly to me, seeing into the depths of my heart and telling me a personal message from God. I am not sure everyone else heard the same message I heard but I do know in that moment God was speaking to me. "We don't have to understand God's plans to be obedient" Are we truly living 100% for God? What would it look like if I said to God, " Here I am, take me. Let me have total reliance on You and live it out passionately." I am always asking God what He wants me to do? What He wants my ministry to look like? Am I doing God's will or what I say is God's but really just mine? I never really hear an answer. I have desires that I think are God's like write my book, or have a speaking ministry, quit my job and do just the Women's Ministry at my church. But is that what God is wanting me to do? So this morning as I mowed, yes I mowed again, I prayed that I would be completely obedient to whatever he tells me. Completely. That is a huge commitment. Partial obedience is complete disobedience so I prayed I was willing to do what God asked me. Hoping that it would be to quit my job and travel the world helping women who have gone through the devastation of a child dying. I waited. And I waited. Come on God, just lay it on me. I am ready. Then I heard in my heart, not a loud audible booming, which I much more would have appreciated, but God saying, "I have already told you." And then the battle began. Me telling God no I don't think that is what you are asking, I could do so much more, I could volunteer at a homeless shelter, I could take care of the elderly, read to the blind but please God don't ask me to do that. Now, I know you are expecting me to reveal God has asked me to abandon my home and go to the inner part of Africa and live among the tribes of people who are hostile to Christ Followers, but I am sorry to disappoint you. I would rather have done that then what God has been asking me all summer to do, give up Facebook. Facebook, God are you sure? I call it my ministry to others. I keep in touch with the hurt and the needy and my people. No, it kept coming back to that. Give up Facebook, spend more time with ME. I have listened to such calling by God before and even though I saw the benefits I wanted to argue with God that now wasn't the time. About eight years ago God told me one day to give up watching Soap Operas, All My Children, One Life To Live and General Hospital. I would watch them in the summer while I tended to my house or DVR them during the school year and watch them at night when I went to bed. As one of my children walked in the room one day I realized it was like soft porn, I had to be obedient. I had to quit cold turkey. I lived for these people's lives and that is what God was asking of me. To realize the lives portrayed there was not reality. I couldn't expect my husband to rent out a restaurant and have fireworks on the balcony at a moment's notice. I was finding myself unhappy with a husband that just worked hard all day and came home and helped with the kids and house. I wanted a husband who looked great all the time, didn't work so he could spend afternoons in delight, but yet showered me with expensive gifts. That was all make believe but when you watch it everyday you begin to believe that is what life truly should be. You become disappointed with the every day routines. My soaps also made adultery look so harmless and attractive. I know better than to go down that road but as my children would wander in and out of the room what was the message they were getting? Also the time. I was so addicted to my soaps I was missing out on a lot of face time with my children. So on that very day I quit my soaps and turned the tv off so to spend more time with them and my husband who I realized was so much better than any actor portraying an unrealistic character. So when God said give it up I bargained. Ok I will just check it twice a day. NO. Ok how about I just check my notifications? NO. Then I will just check my messages. But to give up Facebook, I mean what if someone needs me? NO. Partial obedience is total disobedience. All or nothing. I really wanted to say, then nothing. But, just like giving up soaps I knew God had a plan. Craig said last night, "We don't have to understand God's plan to be obedient." So I told God I would give up Facebook for 30 days and see what happens. God said no. You will give it up until I say it is enough. It may one week, it may be a month, it may be a lifetime. But use the time to get into God's word. To read books again, to have face time with actual human beings. To pray, to write letters of encouragement or to just simple sit and be still. Oh there we go. That bit about sit still and know He is God. God, you know I don't like silence and I don't like sitting still. But God nudged me on knowing that I can never know His will for my life if I don't sit still and quit talking. I have to listen. Now, giving up Facebook is not for everyone, just like when I quit smoking and drinking at 25, or quit soap operas or quit drinking Sonic, it was my calling on my life not yours. But I write this to make it more real, for you to hold me accountable, and to let you know what comes next in my journey with God. I can't wait to see what God is calling me to do. But I walk in blind faith knowing that no matter what He is with me, will lead me and give me the strength to carry on. So how will I keep up to date with my people, the activities, the pics, the illnesses like Hope For Gage or Holly Morris' little girl? I guess the old fashioned way, email, letters, or calls. So please keep in touch my email is Shelli.Selby@yukonps.com, phone is 684-1381, twitter(God didn't say stay away from it) shelliselby. I will continue to blog and post it on Facebook. I don't know what time period God is asking for I just know for today He is asking me to depend on Him not Facebook.