But I can't

I am so mad at you today. I am so mad that you are dead. I am so mad after 3 1/2 years when I pull up to the cemetery after going there 2-3 times a week and see your precious name on the Headstone that I still cry out to God WHY? Why did you have to die? Why must I endure every day consumed by how much I miss you? Still 3 1/2 years later why does it still hurt this bad. Why does my heart never heal? I try so hard to find someone who will hug me like you did. Who will walk up wrap their arms totally around me lift me off my feet hug me so hard I can barely breathe and say I love you. But I can't find anyone. I try so hard to find someone who will sit on my porch late at night and read with the porch light glaring down and as I walk out to tell them to lock up I can smell the cigarette odor which lets me know all is right with the world. But I can't find anyone. I try to find someone who will come running down the hall in the middle of the night jump into bed between Bart and myself and ask to sleep with us because they had just come from a haunted house and even though they are 22 want their momma and daddy to protect them. But I can't find anyone. I try so hard to find someone who will lay across the giant ottoman with their feet tripping me as I walk by telling me promising me that we will sure miss those boys when they move out because they aren't ever going to leave. They are going to live with us forever and take care of us in our old age because they have it too good here. I can't find anyone. I look and look for someone who wants me to sit with them in the middle of the day and watch a movie we have seen 10 times but just wants to spend time with me. But I can't. I want to find someone who will call me 5 times during the day to just see what I am doing because like me they can't stand the silence in the car while driving. But I can't. I want to find someone who looks, and smells and acts like you so I can pretend this nightmare is over. But I can't. I can't. I try so hard to make other people be like you but I can't I can't. All I can do is sit here and cry and stub my toe as I hit the wall again and again as I cry out. God, WHY? Just bring him back. Just make me wake up. Make the loneliness and the haunting dreams go away. Make my heart heal again. Make me want to keep breathing. I know tomorrow will be better but today I just want to be mad and miss you so much my arms ache to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I just want you back. But I can't.