Forgiveness

God is so faithful and I love when I get to witness His plans in actions. As you know my mother passed away last Thursday and my aunt passed away on Saturday. Yesterday we had graveside services for my aunt in McAlester where she was from. It was a very sweet service and then our entire family went to Giacomo's to eat. There was salad, rolls, spaghetti, ravioli, meatballs, steaks and lamb fries. Yes, lamb fries where the youngest of the family were introduced to this delicacy with mixed reaction. This was a favorite place of my families to eat and it seemed fitting we go there for lunch. As everyone hugged and promised to keep in touch we begin to go our separate ways. Not wanting to return home where reality lives and loss is constantly there my husband and I decided to stay overnight and go to First Baptist Stringtown where a friend is the pastor, Joey Lansdale. We called him around 9pm to make sure he would be preaching and to let him know we would be there. We have been there twice before once for me to speak about Jacob's death and Choosing Joy. Both times God was there and working mightily in this small church in Stringtown OK. As we entered the church we were greeted first by one then another as word got around that someone new was there. Soon Joey showed up and after big bear hugs he said he was so glad we were there and he had an idea. He went on to explain his sermon today was about the Prodigal Son. But he was talking about the older son, his bitterness and his lack of forgiveness for the Prodigal Son. How this bitterness kept him from receiving all the blessings he so richly deserved. He went to explain he had a video clip of Rick Warren and his wife speaking about forgiving the young man who had given their son the gun he later used to kill himself. He looked at us and said since we had spoken to his congregation about Jacob how much more personal it would be if Bart and I would share about how we forgave Justin. Justin. Justin the young man who on that Friday night sold my son pills that were lethal with alcohol and which later caused him to slowly die as his heart quit beating and his breath stopped completely. Justin. How we had forgiven him. I looked up at Joey with tears in my eyes and said, "We can't because we haven't forgiven him. For three years and 9 months I have hated him. I have blamed him and wished him prison because death would be too kind. Three years of bitterness and hatred. When I imagined him enjoying life, laughing, working, his heart beating and lungs breathing it was too much for me to handle. My hatred grew even larger. I have blamed him every moment since that phone call on February 20. And here I was having to look in the eyes of our sweet preacher friend and say no, I have not forgiven Justin. Why had we come this Sunday, why was Joey preaching on this? But I knew, I knew God had planned this out. It was not by accident we were in this service and confronting our unforgiveness. For the past three years every book I read dealt with forgiveness, every song I heard dealt with forgiveness, every Bible Study I taught dealt with forgiveness. I would apologize to my ladies for having to endure the chapter because it was solely for me. I knew God wanted me to forgive but I was not ready to let go of my anger. I wanted that blame that anger. Forgiveness would mean I would have to look at myself and the part I played in Jacob's death, the part Jacob played. It was much easier to hate Justin, blame him. But the past 3 months God has been dealing with my heart. And today I knew I could no longer run. Today, from out of nowhere we ended up at First Baptist Stringtown with the topic forgiveness and Joey was asking us to speak about ours. And so with tears streaming down my face I told him we couldn't because we hadn't forgiven Justin. It was so stark in my face. How could I witness to others and tell them the great things God had done in our lives since Jacob died when I couldn't even forgive this young man. My Savior died on the cross for everyone. He forgave us all of our sins, unconditionally and yet I couldn't forgive Justin. Joey went on to preach his sermon. It was as if there were only three people in the room, Joey, myself and God. God quietly whispering I forgave your sins. God had forgiven me of all my sins and yet I couldn't quit blaming Justin for my son's death when in reality Jacob made his own choice. Jacob was responsible for his own death. There I said it. I could no longer put the blame on someone else. I could no longer wallow in my hatred and bitterness. At the end of the sermon Joey looked at me and asked if I would like to speak. I stood in front of the congregation and told them of my struggles. I told them how much hatred I had towards this man but then I told them God had brought me there that morning knowing Joey was going to be preaching that very sermon and ask me point blank about my forgiveness. Broken in front of these precious people I told them how convicted I was of what I needed to do. Saying the words outloud made my determination stronger. I knew I no longer could hide from God my feelings. I knew that there was no turning back. My son died. He took the pills he drank the alcohol and he died. I thought about it the entire way home. How could I say the words. How could I ask Justin for forgiveness for the way I had felt towards him. Could I just say in my heart I forgive. No God wanted the words to be spoken. I don't know where Justin is today. But tonight in complete brokeness I wrote him a letter begging him for his forgiveness and telling him I would pray for him daily. The peace that came from that moment was freeing. Just last night in my Bible study the question was posed, What prayer do you feel God has been silent on? I wrote down, moving forward healing from Jacob's death. When Joey asked about our forgiving Justin I knew that was my answer. God wanted me to forgive so I could move on. So I could heal. Did God have this planned? You bet. For months He has been working on me. But I wasn't ready. But God took me to a little church in a small town in southern Oklahoma to hear His words and find peace. It was no coincident that we were there today. It was orchestrated by God Almighty. I am just glad I was able to witness God's plan in action. I am just glad I serve a mighty and powerful God. And I am glad for a preacher friend who is obedient to preach the word of God just like God told him weeks ago. Forgiveness