There must be a compromise

As I encounter more and more parents whose children have died and watch the harsh painful reality of anguish set in I hear myself telling them to have hope. That right now the pain is so unbearable, unfathomable but it will get better with time. I share with them my pain and how today I stand in front of them to show how they will survive, not without horrible scars, but they will survive. I listen to myself and totally believe what I am saying. It is the what I am not saying that is too scarring to share. Yes, to the public eye I look as if I have moved on. I look as if I am coping. And I am. But what I don't share is it looks that way because I have a guarded heart. As long as I keep a very tight guard on my heart and don't "go there" then I live my quiet little life and seem to be healing. I have to keep that guard on or I won't survive. The intense pain of losing a child would completely stop my heart from beating. The truth is even with the joy and hope I have that I will one day see my son again if I let that guard completely down the pain is still as fresh and blood raw as the day I heard those words, your son is dead. So I keep a constant vigil on my heart. Occasionally, a day like today out of nowhere the guard slips a little and I find myself at his grave silently sobbing as I hear those words resounding in my head. I allow myself time to grieve. I allow myself to visit this point of hell. The reality that my son is truly dead and his body is lying in that cold dark earth comes completely over me and I grieve as only a parent can. At that moment nothing else exist. Slowly I pull myself together, wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up. I know I have to put the guard back in place. Even tighter this time so I can survive. I must survive. I must keeping on living. The hitch is the tighter the guard the less happiness can seep in. Yes, I have joy and hope but where is the true happiness of living life in the innocence that I had before my child died? The worst experience possible has happened so every moment in life is tempered with knowing that happiness is so fleeting. Every moment is dated before or after. Every happy moment is compared to what true happiness was before. Yes, survival means keeping that place closed off but surely there has to be a compromise.