12 years, Too Long

12 years ago tonight I was getting ready for bed and all was right with my world. I was happy, content and loved my life. I had an amazing family, husband and children, a good career, and amazing friends. I went to bed and all was right with the world. Peace. Then daylight came. Within a few short hours the world stopped spinning and I wanted off the planet. I got the call, you were in the Emergency Room. I took off, running every light. I left my car running in the entrance to the ER. The desk clerk saw me and opened the closed doors. I started down the hall and saw him, the chaplain coming towards me and I knew. I knew you were dead. You were no more. I too wanted to die. I did not know how to keep living, to keep breathing, to make it through another moment. As I waited for dad and Kyler to arrive. As I waited to find the words to tell them. As I waited. I told God, I can't do this. I am not strong enough. And through the tears, the shakes and the disbelief, I heard Him. I know you aren't my child. But I am. I am. I heard it clear as day. God telling me He knew my pain was too much to bear but He would help me carry it. And He has. I miss you more and more each day, Jacob. Each day you grow a little farther away in my memories. I don't want you to fade. I yearn for you to put your arms around me and say I love you Mom. I yearn to hear your voice, your laughter. I yearn for you to be, just be here with me. But just as God told me 12 years ago, I still am not strong enough to bear this burden, but He is. Without God I could not have gone on. I could not have continued to live. But because of Him, I know I will see my precious Jacob again. I will once again hear his voice and feel his hug while he says, I love you Mom. I miss you.