Worry

I am a worrier. I think I was born a worrier. I have always worried. Before the time of cell phones years ago if my parents went someplace without letting me know and I couldn't find them I would call the local hospitals. I just knew they had a wreck and were in the hospitals. If my kids went to a friend's house that I didn't know well, I would drive up and down the street just to make sure everything was ok. I worried. I really tried to give up worrying and trust God. In fact, at one point, I turned Jacob completely over to God and claimed Jer 29:11 that God had great and mighty things in store for him and not things of destruction and fear. My worrying got better. Then Feb 20 happened. God did have great and mighty things in store for Jacob just not the way I wanted it to happen. But with Feb 20 the worrying came back. As a mom who has had a child die, our biggest nightmare has come true, I live in constant fear now. I feared that phone call before. Now that I have recieved it and know what it feels like I fear it even more.
Yesterday, Kyler and Cheyanne went to see Zachary in Nashville. Hard for me because I didn't even let Zachary make that drive by himself until he was 21. When Zachary does make the trip I call every hour just to check on him and make sure he is awake. An hour is all I can be brave and have to give in to my worry.
Yesterday, I was trying so hard not to call. It was noon and I still had't called. It was dinner time and I still hadn't called. Each minute that went by it grew harder and harder not to rip the phone from its cradle and call and make sure they are not dead in some ditch. But I try and try hard. I go to a movie to make the time go by faster. Thinking each second that goes by I am one step closer to hearing they are there safe and sound. Not really hearing the movie but knowing that I am marking time. That the call that I have feared all day will never happen. At 7:20 in the movie my phone rings. I whisper to Kyler, "In the movie. Where are you? Text me when you get there and I will call later."
They were an hour out. I could relax. I was not going to fall apart with worry. I begin to breathe and enjoy the movie.
We leave the movie at 9:30. The knot in my stomach begins to grow. Why hasn't he texted me. What if everything is not ok? I call. And I call. And there is no answer. The feeling is beginning to surface. When is my phone going to ring and it won't be Kyler. I can do this. Just breathe. Just pray. Just keep breathing. I call again. I call Cheyanne. I call Zachary. I call Katie. Why is no one answering their phone. What is wrong. The tears begin to fall. I call all four again. No answer. I call Nathan. I call Daniel. Why are six people at the same time not answering their phone. Flashbacks start to happen. I am driving to the hopsital and calling and calling Tara. Tara pick up and tell me Jacob is ok. Why won't she answer. Wait, I call Kyler again. This is different. My mind is shouting PICK UP. Tell me they are ok. I call Zachary and Cheyanne and Katie. I call Nathan and Daniel. I text. My crying is increasing. My body is racked by the shaking. I feel my phone and the incessent ringing and no one, no one is answering. I am back in that car Feb 20 calling and calling Tara wanting her to tell me everything is ok. I am at the hospital running in the door where they immediately open. I am running down the hall and screaming when I see the chaplain. I am in the truck crying hysterically, calling over and over shaking uncontrollably. My phone rings jolting me back to reality. It is Kyler. They had stopped to eat dinner and didn't hear their phone. It is Zachary texting to say they are in a play and will call in just a little bit. My world is slowly spinning back into place. Was it really only 15 minutes that have passed. Did I race back to that day when my world changed so quickly? Have I not grown any in the last 21 months? I thought I was truly getting better. When does the fear of experiencing a mother's worst nightmare go away? When do you get to breathe again that all is going to be ok? You don't. Once you have experienced that nightmare call you know. You know first hand the fear, the sorrow, the pain. You know how it can come at a moment's notice and change your life. One moment you are alive and careful free and the next you get the call that kills part of your soul. The call that means never again will all be right with the world. So you panic. You pray. You become hysterical. And children have to learn that their life will never be the same. Mom worried before but now she panics. She panics the call will come again. She panics that she is coming undone. The crying and fear will never stop. Each day comes a new day, a new attitude. Today, I tell myself I won't go back down that road. I won't panic. I won't live in fear. But by nightfall I feel myself slipping as the darkness covers the night. I lay in bed and worry. Worry.