A momma's heart

This week, two families’ lives were shattered. Two families found out their child had died. Two families. One family I know, the other I know only by name. But even if I didn’t know the names I would know the devastation that this death is wrecking havoc over their lives. Both families went to bed praying when they woke in the morning this would all be a bad dream. Both families woke up with a start that this is the new reality, their child had died. They will wake up every morning for the rest of their lives with that realization. I know this because it is my reality. My son’s death has blessed and cursed me. I feel the pain for them. I remember the long walk down the hallway and falling to my feet screaming out “God no”. I wake up at night reliving that first night and crying for these families. I go to the store and stand there in the middle of an aisle remembering my anger when the world kept spinning and my world had come to a screeching halt. How could these people shop and smile and walk through life without a care when I carried this much sorrow in my heart? I physically get ill when I think of them having to go to the funeral home to pick out the casket for a life cut too short. I get on my knees and prayer for God to spare them but it is too late. So, I walk this journey again. Reliving the moments knowing that others have walked it before me and others will come behind. I am thankful that God placed people in my life February 20, 2010, to guide me through. To walk along beside me if only just in prayer. Even though these two families' situations are so different, the pain is the same. Because of my journey, God has shown me how to pray, how to minister, how to sit quietly and listen. I know the realization that praying is just too hard and others need to intercede for you. I know to remind them to keep breathing and live one moment at a time. To not get too far ahead of their grief, don’t think about the future and how will you live without that child. Just get through the next 10 minutes, the next second, just keep breathing. And for that I am blessed. To know that some good will come from my son’s death. Oh, believe me, that does not take away the ache and the tears but gives some validity for the pain. Just to be able to go before God and pray for these families from the heart means maybe, there was a reason. Maybe some good will come. So I come to you, and ask you to pray. To lift these families up to God and wrap them both in His sweet arms. To put people in their paths that will continue to reach out even after the funeral is over. To know that even though they may be angry at God, He has big shoulders to pound on and will pick them up when they are done. To help them find a blessing somewhere in the midst of the curse. To know that even 6 years down the road the hole will still be ripped through your heart but that God’s grace will see them through. I ask too that you pray for my family this week as we celebrate the healing of Jacob’s soul. Today he walks in Heaven where he is free from his demons and focused 24/7 on God. To help us to remember that this is just a moment in time until we see him again. But that every morning when we wake and before our eyes are open, we wake to the realization our child is gone, pray we have the strength to stay strong in our faith and help others. To help all the mommas and daddies who buried their children, I pray for strength. I miss you sweet Jacob. I long for your precious hugs and infectious laugh. You will not be forgotten. Love you.