I am Mad.

I am mad. Alright I have said it. I know the stages of grief and I know anger is part of it but I wanted to skip this part. I wanted to be the upbeat Christian woman who saw God's plan in it all but I am mad. And while I know that it is normal it doesn't feel good. I am a believer if you can say it you can handle it. Also I have promised on this blog to be honest. To give my perspective as a grieving mom straight forward whether it was pretty or not. So if you offend easily you might want to quit reading because unless you are a saint I am probably mad at you. Yes, you. Please don't take it personal but I am mad. I am mad that your life is wonderful and mine isn't. I am mad that you get to complain about your adult child and all I want to do is kick you in the mouth, I told you it wouldn't be pretty, and tell you to stop, at least he is here, you can hug him, talk to him, see his face. I am so mad you get to do that and I don't. I am mad that I will never plan his wedding or have sweet Tori as my daughter in law. I am mad that I will never get to hold his first child and see what a wonderful father he would have made. I am so mad I could scream right now. I am enraged. I want my son back and I am mad that God allowed it to happen. And yes, it is ok to mad at God. He will let me pound on his chest until I fall lifeless from exhaustion but God, I am so mad at you. Why didn't you save him. Why does my family have to go through this. Why???????
I am mad that life is going on and I am at a stand still. I am mad that today I found out my ovaries are all shriveled up and a young woman looked at me and said I am so glad I am not old like you and falling apart. I am mad that my body is falling apart. I am mad that I haven't died and I am mad I am dying daily from a broken heart. I am mad people treat their pets better than their children. I am mad I wasn't a better mom. I am mad that I am not a better wife or friend. I am consumed every waking moment with my pain and I am mad that I have to live this way. I am mad that you are tired of hearing my story. I am mad that I have to tell it or I will explode. I am mad that I make you uncomfortable because you don't know what to say. I am mad that I have to be so positive and upbeat all the time. I am mad that my sister lives 3 blocks from my mom but hasn't been to see her in 2 weeks. I am mad that the responsibility of taking care of her falls on me. I am mad that that makes me mad. I mad my dad died and left my mother alone and sad. I am mad my mother's health is failing and I don't have long with her. I am mad she can't do things with me. I am mad I can't crawl up in her lap and have her make it better. I am mad that I have to be a grown up and wear my big girl panties when all I want to do it lie in bed and cry. I am mad that I work three jobs and am so tired. I am mad I don't rest. I am mad that my children are grown and don't need me. I am mad that I am not the center of their world. I am mad that cancer robs small children of their life. I am mad my sister and her family can't stand me. I am mad their isn't a pill that makes this all better. I am mad that I cry so easily. I am mad that I hear the pain in my husband's voice when he calls and says have you been crying. I am mad I can't make it better for family. I am mad the life is just sometimes too painful. But most of all I am mad at Jacob. I am mad he didn't think clearer. I am mad at his friends for not stopping him. I am mad at Justin for selling his the pills. I am mad at Tara and Tyler for not calling an ambulance. I am mad that the chaplin met me in the hall and told me he was dead. I am mad the police were not called. I am mad that his friends go on with their lives and he won't. I am just so mad. I could scream, hit, kick or throw something. I want to wake up and it be over. I want my life back. I want my child back. I am so tired of the pain. I am so tired of the sadness. I want to choose joy again but sometimes it is just too hard.
I know this is negative but I also know it felt good to type with deep hard strokes to the keys. It felt good to say it is not all perfect here. I am not always happy, I am not always doing fine. But anger is a stage and with it comes acceptance. Acceptance that he is not coming back and learning to live with my new normal. I think maybe the anger will be easier.
I don't want to accept this new normal. I want to push it out of my mind.
Yesterday, at Bible Study at work, a friend said we need to be still and listen to God. I realized then how angry I really was. I think that is why I don't stop. I haven't truly stopped and listened for God's voice since I heard it the week before Jacob died. I thought God was preparing me for my mother's death. I cried and pleaded no please no God it has only been six months since my dad died. That Sat morning I thought to myself I must have heard you wrong God. And I did. It was Jacob not my mom. I haven't wanted to hear God's voice since then. But even though I haven't wanted to listen He has been here. And right now as I sit here so very very mad at Him and the rest of the world I know He is here and he is holding me gently saying it is ok my child. Cry it out. Scream it out. Get it all out of your system. And that is ok with Him. I am thank you God for letting me beat on your chest. I thank you for listening to my anger and letting me get it out. Letting me say for the very first time Yes, I am angry. Letting me pound away at the keys rather than a person. So if I have offended you I am sorry. But even little Christian girls can get mad. Holding it in and denying it worse. Thank you Elaine for helping me see how my angry was holding me back from experiencing true joy again. I know I won't experience it for a while but their is hope that while God lets me pound away he holds me ever so gently and cries with me.
I am not going to reread this for fear I will not send it. Because I think as a mom who is a part of this special group who have experienced such loss I speak for us all. We must go through the stages regardless of how much education or experience in grief we have. And we have to vent it somewhere either verbally, physically or spiritually. I would rather deal with the anger verbally. To my fellow moms please don't hold it in. Exploding on your friends might not be the best to do but let it out or it will begin to eat away at you. I didn't realize the how hard I was trying to keep the anger inside. Please love on my fellow moms out their. Let them explode and hold them close to you and whisper in their ears let it go, cry it out I will be right here. God, please hold them close to you today even if they are pushing you away or staying too busy to listen to your voice. Let them know you will still be there when they are finished and moving on to acceptance. Put people in their lives that will help them through this journey.