Post It Notes

I have post it notes everywhere. By my backdoor right now there are numerous post it notes. Take mom to Sat luncheon. Check on Weezie. Make banana nut cake for Monday night. Take Maycie shopping for shoes Thursday.
At work my computer is covered in post it notes. Check on ______. Help Mrs _______ with test.
Call Mrs_______. Mentor meeting Monday. Follow up on attendance with ______. Pray for Molly.
Pray for C Thomas. Text SC students room change. And more.
You might think I am just forgetful. But the truth is I am busy so I have to remind myself to do simple things like pray, take someone shopping, go to luncheons. I stay busy. I do not like idle time. I do not like silence. Last night as I laid in bed I thought, Girl, you talk too much. I had gone to a wedding and talked my sweet friend, Theo's ears off. Then at the reception I talked to my co workers barely letting them get a word in. Then again precious Theo had to listen to me all the way home. I have always talked a lot but it seems more the last two years. I came to the conclusion, I don't like silence so my mouth never closes. I don't like the silence. I never have. When I come home from work the first thing I do is turn on the tv. I never sit down and watch it. I just turn it on for noise. When I get in the car I turn the radio on to Laugh USA. Sometimes I don't hear the jokes but I need the noise. I need the noise to keep the thoughts quiet in my head. No, not voices in my head but the thoughts. If I sit for any length of time my mind goes to Jacob. I think of him every minute but I don't like to dwell on my grief. I don't want to fill the pain of looking up in the sky and watching the clouds so beautifully formed and feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I don't want to lie in bed in the silence of the night and cry myself to sleep because my arms ache to hold my precious baby boy. I don't want a lull in the conversation so my mind slips to that place that I can go to in flash where I can't control the tears. I can't catch my breath. I feel like my heart will explode. I want to run, run fast and far far away from this reality that my child no longer exist in this world. Where sitting in a restaurant enjoying a simple meal with friends and for a moment no one talks and I want to stand up screaming, How can you all sit there eating and laughing when my world has fallen apart. But no I talk. I talk so that there is no silence. There is no moment of letting those feelings fall into place. I turn on the tv, the radio, whatever can keep me from going there for fear of never returning.
No, I am not in denial. I know my son is dead. No, I am not suppressing my feelings. They are right there. I go to that place when I know I won't be needed by the world. When I can sit in my closet with the lights turned off and the door closed and cry my heart out. When I can let every fiber in my body feel the pain and emptiness. But the rest of the time I keep the silence out. I talk and talk and talk.