Welcome to my party.

Come on in and pull up a chair. I am having a party tonight, a pity party. I try so hard to be upbeat and positive but sometimes a girl just needs a good old fashioned pity party. So sit right down and stay a while.
Tonight when I was driving home I began to pray, God, I need you tonight. I need help. I miss my boys. Then I thought boys? Yes. Grieving is not just for the dead but for the living. I miss Jacob so very much but I miss my two other boys too. I miss being a mommy. I am a mom who is here to listen when they need an ear and do things for them but what I really miss is being a mommy. I miss them needing me. I miss being their everything. When did all this happen?
I know the day they were born we begin preparing for them to fly the coop but it went way too fast. Just yesterday I was tripping over them listening them to say, mom, mom, mom, listen to this, watch this, hey look what I can do.
Today, it is quiet. I get up in the morning and there are no longer any lanky boys with smelly feet sprawled all over my living room. There are no longer Dr Pepper cans and pretzel bags strewn throughout the house. I get up in the morning and the house is just like I left it when I went to bed. I go into the kitchen and the sink is empty and the stove is clean. Even the milk is the same. No one drank out of the carton. Isn't this what I longed for? To have my house my own again? To do laundry every three days not three loads a night? To wake up and the beds are all made and everything is in its place? Yes, I dreamed of the day I could sit in my own living room and watch what I wanted to watch on tv. But it is here and dad gum it I don't like it. Not one bit.
There I said it. I want my babies back. I want to go to bed with the sound of laughter and guitars playing down the hall. I want to go to sleep with the sound of Call of Duty blasting from the living room. I want to wake up to dishes in the sink and stinky boys everywhere. I want to be a mommy again. I want to be needed and loved on. I want to pick up after my boys. I even want to hear doors slam out of frustration because I asked them to shower and brush their teeth. I don't want to sit in my living room watching tv by myself. I want to fix dinner for a house full and sit at the table and argue and debate the world affairs for hours. I want to hear corny jokes and even some I can't repeat. I want to hear the words mommy I need you and watch their eyes light up when they believe I can do all. I miss being a mommy.
I am proud of who they have become and am grateful for the unbelievable years we had together as a family. But it went too fast. I am not ready to let them go. I am not finished being a mommy. I know I will get use to it but somehow I know my heart will always yearn to pick them up and kiss their boo boos. I will miss the nights when we were all under the same roof and thanking God for their precious hearts. I will always want to be mommy to them. And no matter how far they go or how grown up they get. They will always be my sweet baby boys.
Now, you go. I want to stay here for a short time and feel sorry for myself. I need a good cry. Tomorrow morning will be a new day and I will put my big girl panties on. But until then I think I will just sit here and wallow in my sorrow for just a little longer just because I can.
I miss being a mommy.