No place like home

I have always loved to travel but even more so now. I recently had the opportunity to explore Canada. I could hardly sleep the night before as mixed emotions ran through my head. Excitement to visit an unknown place, anxiety of leaving my loved ones, fear of flying. But morning finally arrived and I approached the journey ahead with much anticipation. The flight was uneventful and the landing even more so. So why this mixed feeling as I walked off the final flight? A fleeing feeling of leaving behind my broken life. An accepting feeling that I was moving towards a week of unreality. I was in Canada where I was me, Shelli Selby. I was free of the past and baggage that goes with it. I was Shelli Selby, wife of a loving husband, mother of four amazing sons, mother in love to two beautiful daughter in loves, the Princess Grandma to four precious grandchildren, daughter to an unbelievable mom and dad, and part of an incredible extended family. Me, that was me, and there walking down that ramp I could be all of those things. I could for a short time pretend that I walked like the rest of the world without a care, without any fears, without the burden of grief. I could pretend. I could laugh, play, and breathe as I did before. Yes, the pain was there but tucked safely away that week. I could pretend. I could pretend all was right in my world. It was wonderful. You can see in the pictures the relaxation on my face, the carefree spirit that had long been replaced with the tiredness of every day facing a life without my child. So began an adventure, I could be me. And while I longed to be home I dwelt on the thought of what if. What if I never returned home? What if I never had to face reality again? What if I could stay here and pretend my life was once again complete? Do I dare think this could happen? But as the days passed by and I began to long for home I knew that could never happen. Pretending is child's play and reality an adult's albatross. As I felt the plane descend into OKC I felt the heaviness return. I put away such childish thoughts and looked once again at my life. I walked that ramp and felt the pain return full blast. I held the tears at bay as I was face to face with the fact that my world was still the same. My child was still dead and pretending could never last. I walked the corridor and turned the corner to see my husband, my life line waiting for me with open arms and those eyes that have brought me through so many long long days. I am home. I am surrounded by his love and know that even though my little world is bent and dented beyond recognition I am home. I am back to the ones who love me and will get me through another day. I go by the cemetery to see, yes, it is still true. I am the mother of four amazing boys but one is no longer here. No longer able to hear his laughter, the playful hugs and thoughtful talks. No more pretending but back to the reality of my world. I shed a few tears, tell him I love him, pray to God to get me through the day and return to my house, my home, and just as Dorothy said, There is no place like home, it is true.