One day closer

Happy 29th birthday son. I went to visit you at the cemetery today. Oh, I know you aren't there but that is the last place I saw you. I left you there. So I go to visit and remember. As I pull in I look across the jagged granite tops of the stones that mark the lives of those gone by. I see a tent and watch as people dressed in black pick there way across the terrain, being careful not to step on a grave. I watch as they pull closer so they can hear the hollow words of comfort being said. Slowly, it begins to rain. Little tiny raindrops all around me. As I sit in the grass next to you and watch the mourners from across the way, I realize how right it is to be raining. As the wife, children, aunts, uncles and cousins say good-bye the angels are so touched their tears pour down around those left behind. I sit and stare at your face so perfectly engraved in the stone and feel each angel's teardrop on my arms, face and head. I've shed those same tears. I think back to the years before that I have sat in this very same place and cried. I have probably cried a million tears. I have cried, I have prayed, I have pleaded, I have bargained with God for this to be a dream and for me to wake up and you walk into the house and surround me with those arms and greet me with a great big bear hug. But as I watch the people slowly leave the graveside. They linger just a little bit, hug each other one last time, then make their way to their own individual cars. I realize that to them, the freshness of grief is just starting, the physical pain of a hole in their heart. 6 1/2 years later that hole is still just as big for me but I know I am 6 1/2 years closer to seeing you again. I don't want to go back to that first night, first month, first year. I know you aren't coming back no matter how hard I cry. I know the hole in my heart will never heal. But I am closer today to seeing you again. So, until the day when God says it is time, I will tuck the pain away at the end of the day and start tomorrow knowing I am one day closer to seeing you again. Happy Birthday sweet baby boy. Your momma loves you so much.