Birthdays

Today is the birthday of a dear friend's son. He died 4 months before my Jacob. I say my Jacob because his name is Jacob, Jake, too. I didn't know her except by name before my Jacob died. I remember the day she walked into my house. It was the day after Jacob died. When I saw her I thought I can do this. If Sandy was able to leave her home and come over to comfort me when this is bringing up so many feelings then I will be ok. Because at this point in my grieving, the day after, I wasn't sure I would ever leave my home again. Wasn't sure I would ever be able to do more than sit on my couch paralyzed by the pain and breathe. But here was this woman whose son had died 4 months ago and she was able to function. Little did I know how difficult for her it was to walk into my home. It brought up so many feelings that she had tried to put someplace deep inside her. It brought up her own day after grief. Something she had tried to get past. But she did it because she knew first hand a momma's grief. The grief of a momma is like no other. I know I will offend others because they will try to say how hard it is for the father and siblings and friends but a momma is different. She carried that child inside her for 9 months. She knows that child inside and out. He is with her every moment of every day. Not physically but emotionally. A father goes to work and does his job. A mother goes to work and thinks constantly about her children. Not thinks but worries and dreams of their future. She is emotionally and soulfully connected to this child.
I have told all of my children as they turn into young adults how hard a transition it is from being a mother whom is depended on for everything to a mother who is appreciated and loved but not really needed that much. As they entered high school and college I would stress to them that for the past upteen years they depended on me for basically everything. For much of that time I was their world. They were going to marry me when they grew up. Momma could do no wrong and everything she said was right. Then somewhere along the way they did grow up. No longer did I know everything. In fact, the older they became the dumber I grew. They could do things for themselves and no longer needed me as much. So at these times I would gently and sometimes not so gently tell them to throw me a bone every now and then to wean me off being number one in their lives. Every now and then tell me something about their thoughts, ask my opinion, ask for my help. Not every day but just every now and then make me feel needed. It is hard letting go and they need to let me go gently.
That would make our whole world easier and happier if every now and then they would throw me a bone.
So when that child dies a part of a momma dies too. I know the father and siblings and friends feel a part of them dies too. But soon their lives return and they are able to go longer and longer time between thoughts of that loved one. But for a momma I can tell you 17 months later I think of him 24/7. He is never away from my thoughts. Yes, I have happy times but he is there with me. The sadness of him missing out is there behind every smile every laugh.
So as I thought of my friend this morning and how we both are focusing on where they are not on where they were my heart breaks for her. I pray for her always as I know the pain is there with her every step she takes. I thank her for her bravery in coming to my house that day 17 months ago and giving me hope that I too could someday live again. God gave her to me. On the days she is down I am up and when I am up she is down.
I had the opportunity just 3 months after Jacob died to share that same gift with another family. A long time family friend's son died the same way Jacob did. I told Bart we had to go visit them. But I didn't want to. I was just then able to go several hours without tears. I didn't want to reopen my own wounds to help someone else. But I knew we had to. I knew the help and comfort of seeing Sandy that day. The strength she had given to me. So we went and loved on them and prayed for them. Yes, it was so hard and set me back. But mommas know how other mommas feel. They can see and feel the pain in their eyes like no other. So we have to give back to them. We have to go even if it hurts and look into their eyes and give them hope that yes, you will go on living. Yes, it will hurt every moment of every day for the rest of your life. No, your life will never be the same but you will find a new different life. One that is somewhat tolerable. But you have to lean on God and others. It is a walk that must be done alone for only you know your feelings but through leaning on God and others and letting them hold you up in prayer and give you strength someday you will breathe and live again.
So, to all the mommas whose children have died before my Jacob I say thank you for your strength in going on so that I can hope. And to all the mommas whose children have died after my Jacob I say keep breathing, take one step at a time and lean on God and friends. And focus today on where they are right now rather than where they were.
Thank you Sandy Meir for giving me strength to go on and for being there in the middle of the night when no one else could possibly understand my crazy thoughts. I am thankful for our facebook messages.
Happy Birthday Jake Meir.