This morning I woke up thinking about Christmas.  I loved Christmas time before Jacob died.  I loved the reason for the season, the lights, the food, and the family time. If you don't already know I am a little OÇD ok maybe a little more than a little.  For years we had Christmas Eve at my church with our closet 50-60 family members.  We had a huge dinner,  played Dirty Santa and the little ones would reenact the Christmas Story.  It was amazing to be surrounded by family from the oldest to the youngest.  Then Christmas day a smaller gathering 30-40 would gather at my aunts for Christmas lunch.  I was fortunate to be able to both.  I always knew the time would come when my aunts and mother got too old to put on such a huge party but  dreaded it.  We downsized the food, the younger generation took over but the inevitable happened.  We had to put an end to the Christmas Eve party. For someone who was raised with holiday rituals and OCD this was the worst.  How could we have Christmas without the Miner Family gathering?  I went down kicking and vocal.  But Christmas did survive and other traditions were made.  We gathered Christmas Eve with my immediate family, not a small gathering either and just met on Christmas Day.
  Other families I know celebrate Christmas but not on the actual day because of family commitments but that was not an option for me.  Christmas Eve was December 24 and Christmas Day was Dec 25.  They had to be celebrated on the exact days.  So imagine my horror Christmas two years ago when we were blinded by a blizzard.  It was noon and I was having my nails done.  Yes, in a blizzard.  But I have lived in OK for way too many years to know that as quickly as the weather starts it ends.  It had never really snowed that much on Christmas.  So I went to have my nails done in preparation for the nights celebration.  The tvs were on blaring about the blizzards and roads closed. They were warning people to not get out unless necessary.  We all laughed at the nail shop.  What is a little snow in OK.
Finally, my nails were done.  I wished them all a safe and merry Christmas.  I struggled to open the door against the raging wind.  Finally, I lowered my head and pushed with all my might and finally made it to my car.  Now, I am a seasoned driver so driving on snow or ice does not faze me.  I am that person who has to get out of the house no matter what the weather does.  One year I shoveled a foot of snow off my drive so I could get out and get guacamole from Taco Bueno.  But this was different.  I couldn't see.  It was a white out.  It was already 1pm on Christmas Eve.  I had to get home so we could go to my moms. I called my mom before I left and she said we were cancelling Christmas Eve because of the weather.  I told her no that was ridiculous.  It would end soon and we could get there.  She was not spending Christmas Eve alone.  I was not spending Christmas Eve without all my family together.  When she told me we could still celebrate we would just do it another day.  I came unglued.  You can't do that mom.  We HAVE to celebrate tonight.  It was CHRISTMAS EVE.  She told me to get home and we would discuss it later.
I began to drive.  I couldn't see anything beyond the front of my car.  I could see lights on other cars if I really strained.  I was beginning to get scared.  I made it through the lights at Mustang Road and Reno.  I was coming up to the overpass on I-40.  I panicked.  How would I know where the road was or the barriers on the ramp?   I called Bart crying I was so scared.  He urged me on slowly.  By the time I made it home I was shaking.  I thought I was going to get stuck because of the snow piled up and then not be able to see how to walk home.  If I even could?  Once home the boys and I began praying for Bart to make it.  Lord, if you will just let him get home safely we won't get back out.   Wait, what was I saying? It was Christmas Eve.  How could we leave my mom home alone?  How could we celebrate just us? My world was getting shakey.  I called my mom who said even if Bart could get there she was not leaving her house.  She told me firmly it was just another night.  Christ's birth was not that exact day.  It was a day we had set aside to celebrate and the celebration could take place anytime.
I got off the phone and sat stunned.  For the first time in my long life we were not going to have Christmas.  Silence.
Bart made it home.  He assured me the world would not end if we didn't celebrate Christmas Eve today. That we should just be thankful all of our loved ones were safe and we, Bart, myself and the three boys were together.  We could have Christmas Eve just us.
Again, I sat stunned. I ambled to the refrigerator.  We had pies. That was what I was suppose to bring.  Hmmmmm I fixed some unrememberable meal and sat at the table and pouted.   We watched Christmas movies and I pouted.  We opened one gift and I pouted.   We went to bed and I pouted.  We got up the next morning and Santa had come and I pouted.  Christmas had been ruined.
We did celebrate Christmas two days later and the world did not end.  But I still pouted.
Looking back now I think God was preparing me for the next Christmas without Jacob.  After Jacob died we celebrated holidays but in a fog.   This 4th of July my sister in law reminded me how I banned sparklers last year because the idea of having sparklers without Jacob was too much.  How selfish I was to my grandkids.  I don't even remember doing it.
Thanksgiving, I made everyone sit some place different.  I took a xanex to keep me from screaming at everyone for smiling for going on with living without my Jacob.  But Christmas?  I just couldn't do it. The idea of setting out only two stockings and Santa gifts was too much.  The idea of waking up Christmas morning in our home in Yukon being a family of 4 instead of a family of 5 was paralyzing.  I know Christ tells us he will never leave us nor forsake us but I also knew I couldn't wake up in my own bed Christmas morning without Jacob.  Knowing his body lay in a cold deep grave but his soul was worshipping the one and only true God that Christmas morning was not comforting.  So I began to plan. I lay the idea of a family cruise out there to the boys and Bart's family.  We could all be together but it would be different.  Yes, we would notice Jacob, the son, brother, grandchild, cousin, nephew was not there but the scene would be so different I could do this.  I really didn't take into consideration how the others felt about leaving home for Christmas.  I knew I had to leave and I was taking them with me at whatever cost.
I know now God gave me the previous Christmas as a gift.  He let me see without all the grief and pain that Christmas was just a day.  The celebration could take place anytime anywhere.  Because of that I saw the world didn't end just because we had our celebration two days late.  He also gave me another gift that I did not embrace.  He gave me Jacob's last Christmas as a special blessing, just the five of us.  A chance to spend special quality of time just us.  But in my stubborness of knowing more than God I missed it.  I pouted.  Instead of embracing that we were all together and safe I pouted.  I missed one of God's greatest gift to me, my son's last Christmas.  I so wish I could have that night back together.
I cried in bed this morning knowing I missed it.  I missed so many other times that God had provided for me I am sure because I was too busy or was trying to do it my way.  I see now God does have a plan and I should embrace it.  When well made plans fall apart we should just look and see what is right before our face.  Jacob had so wanted to be out on his own by this time but finances and college and working part time kept him from doing it.  God gave us that time since it would be cut short.  Most people's children go off to college and they don't get to have evening dinners with them, or late night movies, or snow days together. We did.  I am thankful.
Yes, we did go on a cruise and I did survive Christmas.  We drove all of Christmas Day to Galveston.  Bart, the boys, Grandma Billye, Aunt Sharon, Aunt Brenda, Uncle Brett and cousins Riley and Parker.  Yes, it was still noticeable my precious baby boy, Jacob was not there.  But I didn't wake up in my bed in Yukon.  That helped.  As we walked onto the ship I cried.  Jacob had always wanted to go on a cruise and we were leaving him behind.  But he was having the best Christmas of them all, with Christ himself.
This Christmas we are looking at Tampa.  Our Katie lives there and it isn't Yukon.  Bart's family has to stay here this year and my mom says she can't leave.  So it will be waking up Christmas morning a family of four.  But it won't be Yukon.  Maybe some day we will stay home.  My boys hope so.  They miss being with their friends and rest of the family.  Come to find out they hated the cruise.  They don't like water that much.  They did it for me and they will do it again this year.  Because we are family.  I am thankful.