Acceptance?

There are days when I dread coming to the computer. Dread having to find the words that express the depths of my soul. Days when I stumble over words that will get exactly how I feel onto the page. Today is not one of those days. Today I can't get home fast enough. My head is spinning with my thoughts, my feelings, my tears. I want to put to paper those things whirling around and make sense of them. Today I come eagerly to find out what my heart is truly feeling. Acceptance. That word has been spinning around in my head all weekend. Acceptance is the final stage in the grieving process. According to Webster acceptance is "the act of accepting" accept is "to receive willingly, to take hold of without protest or reaction" According to the Kubler Ross model acceptance is the final stage of grieving and means "individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event." Come to terms, take hold of without protest. To move to this final stage of grieving would mean that I come to terms, I receive it willingly. Willingly? Will I willingly ever come to terms with the fact that my son is dead? No and I hope I never do. I think the people who write these books on grieving must not have loved and lost passionately. Yes, I will willingly accept the death of a pet, a public figure, a celebrity. But will I ever willingly accept my son's death? No. I accept the fact that my son is dead and I will never see him again in this lifetime. I know that. It is a fact. Nothing can change it. But do I have to accept it? And willingly? No. Every day I wake and come to the realization my son is dead. And every day I pray for God to help me continue breathing, moving, living, but I never pray for acceptance. For to accept means I have to willingly come to terms. I have to say it is ok. It will never be ok. I will never accept the fact that it is ok for him to cease to exist in this world. I will fight that to the day I die. It is not ok, it is not fair that my son is dead and others are walking around. Twenty years from now it will not be ok. I will not willingly accept it. Do I need therapy? Probably but I think I am very normal. I think there are others out there who are being told it is time to come to terms with their loved one's death. It is time to move on. It is time to let go. I am not being delusional. I go to his grave. I see the dirt where he body lies below. But do I have to willingly accept it? No. So am I stuck in the process of grieving? No. I have moved through and back again through the different stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression. But grieving is not a five stage process. There is not a way to do it. There is not a 5 step process and presto you have arrived. It is a day by day hour by hour way of life that will be ongoing until I take my last breath. To the mother of a child who has died your journey will not end until you meet them again in Heaven. I will grieve until the day they put me in the ground. I will walk about and look fine to you but my heart will continue grieving every moment. I have hope that one day I will quit grieving, the day I enter Heaven. That is the hope I hang on to for every breath. So please don't tell me I need to move on. Don't tell me I need to "accept" Jacob's death. I won't. It will never be ok. Someone needs to rewrite the book on grieving.