When we all get to Heaven

"When we all get to Heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be." This old hymnal sounds in my head constantly. I can hear the piano player in our church pounding out the keys while we bellowed out the lyrics. When I was little and my grandmother would talk about Heaven and how she couldn't wait to get there. She said she longed for that day and it would a day of rejoicing. I thought to myself, "Well, I can wait. I have a whole lot of living still to do." I wanted to grow up, have my first kiss, go to college, get married, have a family, grandkids. Yes, I wanted to go to Heaven but later. Much later. I didn't understand why she looked forward to it. This world was too exciting to think about leaving to go sit on a cloud and play a harp. I have grown so much since that day when I thought we would be cloud sitting. I know Heaven is a better place. A place that is filled with the sweet sweet peace that only comes from being in the presence of Jesus. But until Jacob died I still had a whole lot of living left to do. Now, I long for Heaven. I long to see my son again. That is what I was thinking about today in church. When I think about dying and going to Heaven my first thoughts are about seeing my precious baby boy. I can't wait to see his face aglow, his hair blowing in the breeze, as he runs to wrap those arms around me and tell me how much he loves me. I can sit here right now and feel him giving me a big bear hug. Oh how I long for that. Then my daddy will pick me up with his big strong arms and twirl me around like a little girl. My aunts and uncles will be there loving on me oh so much. My Uncle Virgil will be so happy to see me he will even let me kiss his cheek without running. Oh how I long for that day. The day when I am reunited with my loved ones but especially my baby boy. But then it dawned on me how I longed for Heaven to see my baby. I had listed all the people I would run to meet. A peace passing through me. But where was Jesus, God the Father in all of this. I had lost my focus on why I truly wanted to go to Heaven. Why was I struggling so much here on Earth. I had lost my focus on God. All of my thoughts are focused day and night, totally consumed with seeing his face, not His face. The last month has been so hard. Tears slip down my face whenever I am alone. I will be fine one moment then faded memories will come racing back. And once again my heart feels empty, a giant hole that will never heal. As the 20th approaches next month, I grow anxious, fearful, alone. My thoughts go continually to that day, that moment, that ring on the phone when my life as it was ceased to exist. Why when I look back and see how much progress I have made I wonder why are my thoughts so dark and whirling. I don't remember the happy times. I replay each fight, each harsh word that came out of my mouth, each moment I chose cleaning over sitting listening to Jacob's thoughts. I dwell on the negative. Maybe the negative is easier. The negative is just filled with regrets and guilt. The good memories are too painful. Once when Jacob and I were having a fight Bart stopped us and got out a family photo album. He told us both to stop and sit down. He pointed to picture after picture where Jacob and I were laughing, hugging, loving each other so unconditionally. He looked at us both and said we fight so hard because we love so much. Jacob knew he could say whatever he was feeling to me, lash out his anger or hurt because I would love him no matter what. He was my first born, my precious child, one of my reasons for living. We fought because we loved deeply. A mother's love is infinite. There is no stopping or ending. It goes on and on and on no matter what separates the two. So I go to the fighting memories to escape the pain of separation. The pain that will only completely be healed when I see his face again. Which brings back to my reason for Heaven. God understands my preoccupation with Heaven and running to my son. He knows my human heart. He understands my loss. But He also knows my focus needs to remain on Him. I need to focus on God's being with me every step of the way and only with God holding me gently during all of this time have I been able to survive. Psalm 27;13-14 says it best, I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD Yes, seeing my son will be an added bonus but God who has held me through this all, who has brought good out darkness, who walks each and every step, who weeps when I weep, who feels my pain as His own is the real reason I want to go to Heaven. It is just so much sweeter to me now as my loved ones wait. So tonight as I lay me down to sleep I will thank God for being my constant, pray He puts His arms around my baby boy and tell him his momma loves him, and ask that in the morning when I rise He will give me the courage to face another day until He calls me Home.