Day you were born

 I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday.  It was 7:30 in the morning on a Sat and Bart was going in to work that day.  He said goodbye and I sneezed.  I felt a a small gush of water and thought oh my goodness that was a powerful sneeze.  I sent Bart off to work because I knew that couldn't have been my waters breaking because you weren't due for 5 more weeks.  I got up, did my hair and put on makeup.  By then the pains were coming .  My mom was in Weatherford at an art show and I didn't want to bother Bart because this had to be a false alarm.  You weren't due for 5 more weeks.  So I called my Aunt Peggy to take me to the hospital just to prove to myself this wasn't real.
  It was real.  24 hours later on a Sunday morning your 6.4 precious little body came to breathe its first breath of air.  And now they were trying to tell me you were no longer breathing.
  I sat in this little bitty room with a very tall chaplain who kept patting me.  Tara and Tyler sat in the floor crying saying over and over they were sorry.  I slid down the wall and thought what do I do.  I asked to see the doctor and demanded he tell me what happened and why didn't they save him and it must all be a mistake because you are my precious son and this can't be happening and why am I in this little bitty room with this people all alone.
  Suddenly it hit me Kyler and Bart were on their way.  I had to stop them.  I had to tell them.  I couldn't let them come in this room and feel the pain.  My head is reeling and the doctor comes in.  He tells me they couldn't save him.   He was gone before they got him here and he was sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry he couldn't pump air back into my son's lungs and start his heart again so I could hold him in my arms one more time and tell him loved him.
  I whirl towards Tara and ask her what?  what happened?  She keeps apologizing and I tell her to stop and tell me what happened.  She tells me she came home from work and Jacob had been drinking.  She couldn't stay up all night and watch him.  I am sorry Shelli I am so sorry.  He came to bed around 6 am and took something.  A few hours later she heard him snoring loudly, the death rattle, she asked him if he wanted a drink of water but he didn't wake up so she went back to sleep.  When my call came it woke her up and she went to the bathroom.  When she came back she realized something was wrong and yelled for Tyler.
  She said they immediately started CPR.  Then dressed him and put him in the car.  They drove his lifeless body to the hospital.  I stare, a thousand thoughts going through my mind.  Why didn't I make him come home last night?  Why didn't they call an ambulance?  Why did he take a pill while drinking?  Why? WHY?  WHY was my son lying lifeless in the other room.
  Kyler burst through the door asking where is he is he ok?  My heart broke a second time as I held my precious boy and explained his brother was dead.  I watched as his body convulsed with tears and heart break.  I watched as the chaplain stood helplessly by and Tara kept repeating she was sorry.  I told her to stop.  It wasn't her fault and I needed her to leave.  I just couldn't handle it right then.  I asked for his phone.  Within the 30 minutes of calling Kyler on it and my asking for it somehow it got lost.  I wanted that phone.  I needed it.  It was my last link with my son and no one could find it.
  Tara and Tyler left.  The chaplain ask if I want to see him before the funeral home is called.  Funeral home?  Funeral home?  Who calls a funeral home for their 22 year old son.  Who makes these decisions?
Where was Bart?  No, I don't.  I want to wait for my husband.  I want to hold Kyler.  I want to die myself.
  What do you do while you wait for your husband to arrive to tell him his child is dead?  You sit in the floor, cry out to God, hold your baby, and you text.  Text?  Really, yes.  I can't just sit here.  No one tells you what you need to do.  I had called my boss, Tara Peters, by mistake on my way to the hospital trying to reach Tara L.  She tells me to call and let her know how Jacob is.  I text her.  He is dead.  My body begins to tingle and my head feels floaty.  This is a dream.  I can't feel my fingers and things are starting to go gray.   Bart runs in the room.  Reality comes back.
  The chaplain explains what has happened and I just sit in the floor and rock.  Bart can't wrap his brain around this either.  Tell me again what happened.  How?  Why?  What do we do?  He grabs myself and Kyler and wraps us in his arms as if to keep the world out and pain from getting to us but it is too late.  Our lives are forever changed.