I have been amazed at the support from this blog.  What started out as a healing process has by the grace of God been healing for others as well.  I have been amazed at the personal comments sent to me by people.  I knew there were others who had these same feelings and thoughts but I stand in awe how God uses a tragedy to touch so many others.  God tells us that everything will work together to glorify Him.  Did God cause Jacob's death?  No.  Did he allow it?  Yes, because we have free will.  Did it take Him by surprise?  No.  He knew the moment Jacob was conceived the day he would die.   Did He desire it?  No but it happened and rather than let Satan use it for his glory God will use it to reach others and bring glory to Him.  At first when people would tell me how Jacob's death had reached so many people and their faith strengthened or their child had quit using my initial reaction was the hell with them.  I would rather have my son back than their life improved.  Can't believe I just shared those actual thoughts but it is true.  My first thought was those people can burn in hell if only my son can come back.  That is the mother side of me.  But with time I see how God has used Jacob's death to bring others closer to Him and change lives.  I appreciate it now.  I don't like it but I see a little of the big picture.  
  I recently read Mary Beth Chapman's book about the death of their daughter.  Her son spoke at the funeral and gave a beautiful illustration about grief.  I loved it.  He compared it to looking at a beautiful painting up close.  When you stand with nose right next to the picture it is hard to see the beauty.  It is difficult to look at.  But as you move away from the picture it starts to come into focus and soon you can see the whole picture and its beauty.  Grief is like this.  Right now I am very close to it.  I can't see its beauty.  But as time passes I move back a little and start to see it differently.  Someday, when I go to Heaven I will be able to see the whole picture as God sees it.  But right now I am still too close.  But I have hope that one day I will understand the whys.
  I am also so thankful for the responses because it shows me how many people out their care.  God has blessed us with so many friends in our lives.  Our house has been a home, a haven for so many.  When our kids were little we wanted it to be the go to house.  I would rather have a house full of kids and everything in a mess than have my kids at someone else's house and everything in its place.  I love the sound of laughter and music in our house.  Jacob was the same way.  He loved people.  If he had 45 friends he would be sad that he didn't have 46.  He was a people person.  When he was little to discipline him we would send him to his room.  He hated it.  He would sit right on the very edge of the door frame so as to still be in his room but as close to us as possible.  Zach on the other hand loved being sent to his room.  He loved the privacy and quietness.  As his punishment he was sent to other's peoples houses.  Many times we would say you have to go to so and so's house to play.  He would pout.  Jacob would be thrilled.  He hated being alone.  He also loved for the house to be filled with people.
  So when we walked into our house the day he died the silence was overwhelming.  While riding home with Kyler from the hospital I began to text people and ask them to come.  Come help us figure out what to do.   Do you just go home and turn on the tv and act like life is normal.  How do you leave the hospital and just go home.  How do you call people and say, "Hey can you come over and comfort me.  My son just died."  My heart breaks for those people who don't have those supports already in place.  We had friends that all I had to do was text,  Jacob has died please help me.  They immediately showed up.  They showed up and took over.  For the next four days they helped us eat, sleep, dress and breathe.
I am not sure how we would have handled it all without them.
  W entered our house and the silence engulfed us.  Jacob's presence was everywhere but it was silent.  We sat on the couch numb and lifeless.  Where do you begin?  How do you begin?  You sit.  You let
tv or what people were saying and then repeating it in my brain.  While I was repeating it in my brain I was listening to their next sentence.  That takes a lot of concentration and you are not able to think of anything else.  I would close my eyes and do this.  For days I did not hear what people were saying to me because I was doing this in my head.  I still do it now at night when I can't sleep.  I listen to the tv and repeat it word for word .
I don't know how others deal with grief but I was shutting down.  If I could just keep my brain thinking others words than my own reality did not have to live.
  I opened my eyes at one time and saw the living room filled with people.  They were all just staring at us.  I am sure they were talking but in my mind they were just staring with such sad eyes.  Their eyes still haunt me.  I felt so bad for them.  When people would come in the room to see us and hug I found myself apologizes to them.  I felt so bad that my child had hurt them like this.  I wanted to take their pain away.  I had separated myself from the pain.  I had started to shut down and stuff my own feelings.
The house at one time had probably 100 people in it from all ages and walks.  I felt so responsible for their pain.  I just wanted to go back to that morning and redo it all.  I begin to obsess with what if I had made that call at 9 am when I picked up the phone and put it back down because I didn't want to wake him.  Would he still be alive?  What if I had demanded he come home the night before?  What if...My mind can not take anymore. I can't breathe, my heart is racing and the tears are flowing.  Panic ensues.  How am I going to live?  I don't want to live?  Where is Kyler?  Where is Bart?  Why isn't Zachary here yet?  I want my family on this couch with me.  I am paralyzed with fear and can't move off the couch.
Friends realize the panic and try to get me to lay down. I can't.  The silence in my room is worse.  Finally, a friend calls my doctor for something to get me to rest.  Xanax.  The irony.  The drug to help me is one of the drugs Jacob was abusing.  What would give me rest would take his life.