Reflection

  Looking back I wish now I had started journaling day one.  But somehow putting words to my feelings was too painful, too harsh, too numbing.  It was as if I didn't say the words then it wouldn't be true.  But it was true.  My son was dead. 
  There I said it.  Still takes my breath away.  But today I can say it and even though I don't want it to be true it is.  So I thought writing it down might help me understand how one moment your life is perfect and the next your life is broken.  This will not be a journal of sadness but of hope and victory.  One day we will be together again but until then my heart still breaks every moment of every day.  You won't know because I try to hold it together but there is not a moment that I am not aware that my son is dead.  It is the first thought when I wake up and the last thought before I go to sleep. 
  So lets go back to Day one.  On my way to OKC to take care of my mother.  I pick up my phone to call Jacob and ask him if he will take my mom to church on Sunday so I can go to my church's Sunday breakfast.  I am at a red light at 39th and McArthur and pick up my phone.  It is 9am.  I put the phone back down.  No, I don't want to wake him up so I will just call him later.  I continue on to my moms. 
  My father died 6 months ago so every Saturday since August I go to my mom's and try to get her out of the house and do the things she can't do for herself.  I change her sheets, vaccum, laundry, and fix her meds.  Some Saturdays I want to just stay at my house and do nothing.  But I can't.  My mother needs me. 
  Around 1 I have messed up her cable.  I have spent an hour on the phone with Cox trying to get it fixed.  I decide to call Jacob and see if he knows what to do with her DVR player to get it to work.  I call and let it ring.   Goes to voice mail.  Probably asleep I will try later.  30 minutes later I get a frantic call from Kyler, "Mom, something is wrong.  Jacob is at the ER.  Tara said something is bad.  I am on my way."  I hang up, grab my keys and tell my mom I have to go Jacob is in the ER.  My car races to the hosptial.  I pray the entire way.  I pull up to the ER door and throw my car in park.  I leave it running and the door open.  I run into the ER screaming where is my son.  The lady hits the button and I run through the door.  Then time stops. I see the chaplain walking towards me with his arms out to stop me.  I begin screaming in slow motion, "No no no no"  He grabs me by the arms and tells me to come into this little room.  NO, I don't want to.  I want to see my son.  Where is he?  The chaplain forcefully guides me into the little room where I see Tara and a friend. 
  She tries to hug me telling me she is so sorry.  No, I don't want to hear that I want to see my son.  The chaplain explains they are sorry but they couldn't save him.  He died from an accidental overdose.  My brain shuts down.