Vacations, a detour today.

  I sent Kyler off to New York to visit Cheyanne's family.  Zachary is talking about where do go for grad school.  Thought I needed to post about a happy time this morning rather than about planning Jacob's funeral.  We will save that for next time.
  Vacations.  Bart and I have never gone on a vacation without our children.  Some may say that is bad and now that they are grown I too think hmmmm how will we ever go on vacation just the two of us?  But our philosophy was if we can't take the kids why would we want to go.  We enjoy our children so much at every stage.  Our favorite vacation place is Red River NM. I know doesn't sound that thrilling.  One year we planned a huge trip to Disney World in September.  Zachary asked if we would be going to Red River in October during break like we always have?  I told him no we were flying to Florida and spending a week at Disney World.  He said, "No, I don't want to go. If it means we can't go to Red River then I don't want to go.  I would rather go to Red River than anywhere in the world."  We went to both.  The Disney trip is where I earned my title the tour director from Hell from my mother in law.  I got a book on how to do Disney.  Lets just say we saw everything there was to see in 5 short days.  We had to come back just to rest.
  I have gone to Red River every year since I was a small child. We even honeymooned there.   It is an idyllic place.  Surrounded by beautiful mountains a little valley of paradise.  The place we stayed when I was little was right by the river.  It was so safe that my parents and their friends would go ride motorcycles while we played by the river and ran around town.  The town is filled with shops of all kinds.  In the summer the town is filled with people.  They have square dances, bingo, an arcade, jeeps and four wheelers, fishing, putt putt and hiking.  My kids soon discovered they like it better in the off season of Fall Break.  The town is deserted and there isn't as much to do.  This meant we got up every morning fixed breakfast to the beauty of the mountains.  Played board games all day, went hiking and four wheeling and didn't have to deal with the hassles of the crowd.  We would spend 4 glorious days together with no distractions just enjoying each other.  They loved the undivided attention.
  I remember one day while riding four wheelers in the mountain all 5 of us.  I looked out at the beauty and thought this is what Heaven must be like.  I was at complete peace filled with such joy being with the 4 other people I loved the most.  I never wanted the moment to end.  If I could capture that feeling in a bottle I would be a millionaire.
  We took my parents sometimes or Bart's mom and sister. Every night we would go to bed exhausted from the activities but such peace at knowing we were all together.   No matter how stressed my life was as we topped that final mountain and looked down on the valley I could feel every bit of stress just fleeing.
  My father died in August of 09.  So when our trip time came my mother did not want to go.  I told her she had to face her grief and daddy would want her to go.  So we packed her and my mother in law and left.  It was a hard trip because my father so loved the place.  We stayed at a brand new place so the memories wouldn't be there.  We had a wonderful time.  Jacob always slept on the couch downstairs.  Regardless that there were 5 other bedrooms.  It was his.  Wherever we went he slept on the couch.  I think he didn't want to miss anything.  That year the boys had a bonfire outside our house and it was beautiful looking back at pictures of their faces, the three of them laughing while roasting marshmallows and just hanging out with the brothers.  I will cherish those memories  
  This year when Fall Break rolled around I remembered my words to my mother,  you must face your grief.  I couldn't.  The thought of topping that mountain road and looking down on the beautiful valley that has given me such joy without my precious child was and is still too much. Someday I hope to be strong enough to go.  But right now just thought of it reduces me to tears.  His presence would be everywhere.   One of our last four wheeler trips I was riding behind him and demanded to be left off. Jacob was quite the daredevil.  He loved to drive right close to the edge of the mountain especially when I was on behind him.  One trip he was doing donuts in a sandy area.  I was standing there watching screaming for him to slow down when all of the sudden I saw the four wheeler leave the ground and make a complete flip with Jacob flying in slow motion towards me.  The four wheeler landed upright Jacob landed at my feet.  The air went out of us all.  Then he began laughing about how cool that was.  If you wondered why I have gray hair this is it.  But everyone was ok.  Dad and Kyler got on the four wheeler and started riding again.  About 3 minutes  later the axle broke into.  Everyone just stopped.  Hmmmmm
  The first father's day after Jacob died I planned a surprise trip to Chicago for Bart to see the Cubs.  Lets just say my husband does not do surprises well I learned.  But that is for another time.  It was an emotional trip because it was our first trip as a family of four.  It was ever present.  We stopped at a restaurant and the hostess asked Kyler how many?  He said 5 then looked at me with tears in his eyes and said no 4.  It was a huge turning point for us.  We were no longer 5 but 4.  It totally changes the dynamics. Dinners are not  quite as loud, car rides are not quite as crowded, Jacob loved to stretch out over his brothers and they let him.  So many things change when you are a family of 4 not 5