Loving and Living Big and outloud

  Our son always lived life and loved big and outloud.  When Jacob was in elementary schools he asked why he was always the one who got caught and in trouble and I told him because you are so loud.  If you would be quieter you would get by with more.  But that was who he was.  He would wake up in the morning asking where are we going and what are we going to do today.  He wanted the most out of each moment. He loved people and couldn't get close enough to them.  We have pictures of when he was little hugging the stuffing out of Riley, his cousin, and Riley trying to escape the clutches.  He just loved to hug and be right next to you. I could be walking down the hall with an arm load of laundry and he would jump out and give me a big ole bear hug and say mom hug me back.  I would tell him to stop I had work to finish.  Oh what I would give for one of those big ole bear hugs now.  Living life to its fullest was he mantra so to think that he was lifeless was beyond our comprehension.
  We all huddled together with Bart's arms wrapped around us.  Our pastor had made it there.  I am still not sure how these things happened.   I guess in my stupor I called our pastor and told the chaplain what funeral home to call.  I think I called my sister and she came to the hospital.  My mother kept calling but I wouldn't answer her calls. I couldn't I couldn't say those words to her over the phone.  My sister came and said she would go home and deliver the news to my mother that the precious grandson who was so tender with her fragile bones was now lifeless.  I cried out to Bart we have to call Zach who was living in Nashville.  Zach, who whenever I would tell him how worried I was about Jacob would reassure me mom Jacob will be fine.  Don't worry.  He will be fine.  We now had to call him and tell him, while he was alone, that Jacob wouldn't be fine.  He was lifeless.   Details are fuzzy because that is not a call I wanted to know about.  I didn't want to hear the anguish in his voice, the total destruction of his world as he knew it.  His big brother who he loved mightily and looked up to was no longer alive.  I think Brett was given that challenge to call and tell Zachary.  I want to say thank you to whomever did because how do you make that call.  We were facing it together but Zachary was alone.  He faced a flight home alone.  He faced the the next 12 hours before he walked in that door alone.  He was a very strong young man.
  The Chaplain tells us the funeral home is there and do we want to see him before they take him.  Again the floor rushes towards me and my brain won't comprehend the words he is saying.  My heart is racing in my temples and the lights are getting gray.  Bart holds me and tells me I don't have to go but I do.  I have to see with my own eyes my baby.  I have to know that it is truly him and this isn't some sort of cruel joke.  We walk the halls together huddle a group of 3.  The curtains to the room are pulled and they  usher us in.  There he lays asleep.  A perfect body asleep.  Why can't they make him breath again?  Why can't they just restart his heart?  I am not sure I can do this.  We walk closer.  Each step a hundred miles. Tears flowing down our faces, hands and bodies shaking.  I can't do this and why am I having to?  This is not right.  I get to the bed.  Bart reaches out to him.  Gently stroking his hair.  I begin to fall.  I look at his face and know it is true.  He is so beautiful so perfect so lifeless.  I look down at the covers and notice his neck is purple from where they tried to save him and I fall. I hear a scream that comes from some deep deep place, an animal like scream and I realize it is coming from me. I scream because there are no words to express the depth of my hurt.  I scream from the deepest part of my body until I can't breath anymore.   I rush out of the room because I can't breath, I can't breath, all I can do is scream. The air rushing out and nothing in.  The nurses come running.  Ma'm you have to keep it together.  Are you ok?  Can we do anything?  
  I watch from the hallway as Bart and Kyler hold on to each other and I stand apart looking in.  I can't comfort them.  I can't comfort Jacob all I can do is silently scream as I feel my heart tear in half.  I have never in my life felt such pain. Pain at the loss and pain of watching Bart and Kyler be so tender with the lifeless of body of my child while I can do nothing but stand in the hall and silently scream and die inside.
  Then I see the funeral home people arrive.  You must leave.  Leave?  Where do we go?  What do we do?  Do we just go home?  No one tells you how to do this.  How do you leave a hospital when your child has died?  You have no answers?  Those questions come later.
  Our pastor ushers us down the hall.  We say we must go home.  We all have cars.  We get in our cars to drive home away from our son.  We leave him there with strangers.  Mom can you drive?  Yes, but I don't feel right.  Bart drives on home.  Kyler follows me to my sisters where we leave the car and he drives me home.  We are driving down the road and everyone is driving to their busy places and the world is continuing to go on while my world has stopped.  Numbness sets in.
  Enough for today.  But before I quit.  My aunt recently died.  She was 92.  When I arrived at the hospital she was already dead and they were waiting for the funeral home.  My aunts all said lets go to the waiting room until they get here.  No, I can't leave her body alone.  Someone should stay with her so she won't be alone so I stay.  I pull out a chair and sit next to her. Stroking her head telling her how much I will miss her.  All the sudden I feel such guilt.  Here I sit with my aunt as if it were so natural and I couldn't even stay in the same room with my son.  What kind of a mother am I?  For 45 minutes I sit with my aunt thinking why could I not do that with Jacob.  Because it wasn't natural.  My aunt was 92 had a good long life and Jacob was 22 a life cut way too short. During the 45 minutes I made peace with that.  And finally forgave myself for running out on him that Saturday afternoon.  Watching Bart and Kyler be so brave and strong.  But I knew that day that sitting with your son after he dies is not natural.  And is asking too much from this mother.  Yes, I know death is the only way we can get to Heaven and is a part of life.  I do grief counseling but when a life is cut this short and so unexpectedly our minds can only accept little pieces at a time.  So yes I forgave myself for leaving my son's side.  Forgiveness in other areas take a lot longer.