Friendships

Reflecting over the past few days I realize we are walking, talking and breathing one because of the grace of God and two because of friendship.  My family has been extremely blessed by amazing friends.  I know most people say you have lots of acquaintances but truly not that many friends.  But I don't agree.  When Jacob died we were surrounded day and night by friends.   True friends.  They walked the journey with us and when we couldn't function they functioned for us.  But I want to give some food for thought on being a friend to someone who is grieving.   
I speak to educators and others on the topic of grief and have done grief counseling for many years.  But until you have experienced grief you don't really understand it.  So many of the things I have told people in the past I am rewriting in my talks. 
First be there.  Don't be afraid to go to the person's house.  Don't wait for them to call you.  Show up.  Just your presence is helpful.  You don't even have to say anything.  People think they might say the wrong thing but if it comes from the heart it will be ok.  And truly they will not remember what you said.  Trust me.  But they will remember you being there and the hugs.  Sometimes they just need someone to sit and hold their hand and not say a word. 
Don't say call if you need anything.  I am the kind of person who on my best day would not ask for help from someone.  I like doing for others but do not like to ask for help.  To ask you to do something for me when I can't even form a sentence is beyond my ability.  Plus many times I don't even know what I need. 
The day we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements several ladies from my work came over and cleaned my house for me.  Cleaned my house.  What an amazing act of love.  I have a friend whose husband  passed away several years ago.  She said people would just show up and mow her yard or work in her flower bed.  They didn't wait for her to call, they saw a need and did it.  She was barely making it to work every day and had a small child.  The yard was not something she could do.  She also said there was no way she would ever call and ask someone to mow her yard.  Them just doing it was such a blessing.
People would say to me call if you need me or want to go get a coke or need to talk.  I couldn't do that.  Still can't.  I needed someone to just stop by and say lets go.  Someone to call and say lets talk.  Someone to just listen.  I am so glad those people were there.  But I don't know how many times I have said those exact words and then never followed through by just going to get them not waiting for them to call. 
I have another friend who because of differences we hadn't really talked in a year.  But after Jacob died she sent me a card every week.  Just a simple card telling me she was thinking about me.  She did this for over 6 months.  There were days when that was a life saver.  Mother's Day, Christmas, his birthday a card just remembering us is something that means the world. 
Pray.  When someone tells me they are praying for me I take that so serious.  I hold them to it.  When I am asked to pray for someone I take it serious.  I consider it such an honor to be asked to pray for someone.  When I get an email about prayer I don't delete it until I have prayed for that person.  I have people's names on my computer or mirror reminding me to pray for them.  I hope when people tell me they are praying for me they really are.  I need it.  I have several friends that I have just text the words pray and I know they are doing just that with no questions asked.  How amazing is it that no matter what time of day or night when all I can get out is pray I know they are lifting me up to the Almighty God. 
The funeral.  I don't remember much about the service but I remember how overwhelmed I was with the amount of people who came.  I was overwhelmed how many went to the funeral home.  I am still overwhelmed today by how any still go to the cemetery.  That helps so much to know they haven't forgotten him. 
Speak about him.  My biggest fear is Jacob will be forgotten.  I love for you to tell me stories about him.  I love to hear his name mentioned.  Please don't think it will make me sad.  I am already sad.  That is a given.  But talking about him shows me you remember him.  I especially love laughing about things he use to do. 
And please don't pity me.  I need compassion and prayer and love and friendship.  But pity is not one of them.  Sometimes when I walk away from a group I can almost hear them saying, she is the one whose son died.  Oh, poor thing.  I am not a poor thing.  I was blessed with an amazing young man for a son whose life was cut too short.  But God has a purpose and we will be ok.  Sometimes I feel people avoid me because they don't know what to say.  Hello, how are you?  A hug and I have been thinking about you.  That works. 
When I returned to work I was most worried about people's reactions.  I knew if they said nothing I would be crushed because it meant Jacob meant nothing.  If they wanted to know the details I couldn't talk about it.  They did the exact right thing.  They hugged me and told me I had been missed.  They stuck close by and took my lead.  If I was teary they stayed closer and listened.  If I laughed they enjoyed it with me.  Soon we were back to our comfortable relationships. 
Know that while I am smiling though my heart is breaking.  I am a firm believer that you are what you say.  My mom one day told me she was tired of people at church looking at her with such pity.  I said then stop acting so pitiful.  No one said I had tact.  But I told her to stand up straight, shake their hand firmly and when they ask how are you tell them I am doing much better thank you.  She had been saying oh about the same not well.  So I take that same advice.  I put on a smile and tell myself and others we are doing great and things are getting better.  That doesn't mean I have forgotten or I am "over it".  It means I am trying to keep a positive attitude. 
Guess I have rambled on enough.  I just know if it comes from the heart you will do no wrong.  Be there for people.  Some day you may need them there for you.  And if you are a private person please know that is ok.  But you can not go this road alone.  It is too painful.  God will be there with you but he also places wonderful people to help you on the journey.  Hope you make a difference in someone's life today.  And thank you for making a difference in my life.  Trust me we would not be where we are today without you.  I love you and am thankful for all the prayers, cards, late night talks, and visits.  You keep me going.